Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girls, don't waste money tattooing your legs. They eventually become available for free. They're called varicose veins.

   I'm not calling her a sl*t. I'm simply stating that if her vag had a password it would've been password.

   it me or does C-lo Green look like a twacked out beetle?

   Great! Now my: foods to eat, places to visit, crafts to make list just got a whole lot longer. Thanks a lot Pinterest!

   Dear Giselle, you made your point that the wide receivers couldn't catch the ball. Please keep in mind that not everyone can catch a set of balls while lying on their back.

   If Crunch Berries aren't considered fresh fruit I don't think this diet is going to work out.

   Bad: Waking up and finding a pen!s drawn on your face. Worse: Finding out it was traced. EVEN Worse: You were drinking alone !!

   It should be illegal to be outgoing before 10am.

   The best way to win an argument is to use logic.

   People who say, “I am a lover NOT a fighter” are full of bullsh!t. If you love something, you WILL fight for it.

   A tip for you joggers out there: To run faster, make sure there is an attractive person in front of you at all times OR a creepy guy behind you.

   How to be a gangster: Step1- Buy XXL shirts and pants. Step2- Put them on. Step3- Waddle like a penguin.

   Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons, but I think they forgot to mention Morons.

   I bet if Tom Brady wore his UGGS Boots last night he probably would have played a lot better!

   I find it distressing that some folks' universe doesn't radiate beyond the highest hair on their heads.

   And this morning a container ship will depart for some third world country, loaded with New England Patriots Super Bowl XLVI Champions gear.

   Wow, that one was so bad, all four cats left the room.

   enjoy the Patriots shirts, Kenya

   No better way to kick off a Monday then to defend a sweet elderly women from a crabby ass "Douchebag", who clearu has no respect for the humankind!!!

   Thank god there wasn't a wardrobe malfunction at this year's Superbowl.