Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine's Day! So I got drunk...

   Taking my wife to see the Muppets tonight. I hope her mum cooks something I like this time

   My wife's going to be happy with tonight's planned tv. There's going to be balls moving all the screen. Champions League starts again tonight

   Its not the chocolate or the flowers, it's how you put a smile on my face that makes today all worthwhile

   Sorry V̶a̶l̶e̶n̶t̶i̶n̶e̶sD̶a̶y̶. It's Champions League Time!

   I'd like to spend my Valentine's with the girl of my dreams… But she's gone by the time I'm awake…

   Oh I wanna dance with somebody I wanna feel the heat with somebody Yeah I wanna dance with somebody With some bipolar nut job that loves me!

   Happy Mushy-Card-Nasty-Candy-in-a-Heart-Shaped-Box-Big-Balloon-That-Barely-Fits-in-Your-Car-And-You-Can't-See-to-Back-Up-$75-Rose s-That-Can-be-Bought-Tomorrow-for-$20-but-Must-be-Sent-to-"Prove"-Your-Love-Stand-In-Line-for-Two-Hours-to-Eat Day!! <HATE

   When anyone says to me "I need to talk to you", every bad thing I've ever done in my life flashes before my eyes

   If I were a pharmaceutical company, I'd name my next drug "Magnifizac".

   Being rude to your waiter is the equivalent of saying, "Would you please spit in my food or perhaps do something worse?"

   It breaks my heart to break your heart but at the end of the day, mine is more important to me.

   "BLARGH...mmm, this looks good. nom nom nom...BLARGHH...hey, where'd this come from? yum!...BLARGHHH..." - my dog, throwing up

   Love pshhhh I rather fall in chocolate

   I've Realized Something Today.. No Matter How Hard You Try To Plan Your Life.. Life Has A Plan For You All On Its Own..

   Happy Pagan inspired holiday taken over by American capitalist, commercialized and marketed to make billions on flowers, candy, chocolate, jewelry, dinners, hotel rooms and other gifts.

   A candlelight dinner with long stemmed roses sounds like a deadly combination for my inflatable valentine.

   I'm going to spend this Valentine's Day with the one I love......I just hope she's working her corner.

   A little bit of me dies every time I see one of you post a quote that you obviously don't actually live by.

   Just heard a weird noise from the other room, but refuse to call out “Is anyone there?” I've seen the movies...those people always die!