Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   miss the old days when my only worry of the day was begging my mom to drive faster to not miss pokemon (y)

   Menstruation, menopause, mental breakdowns... Ever notice how most womens problems begin with men???

   If each day is a gift, I'd like to know where to return for refund Mondays...

   The local orphanage called and asked for a donation. So I sent over two of my neighbor's kids.

   Change is good as long as I don't have to do anything different.

   If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer.

   Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement

   If you need space then work at NASA

   My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.

   Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock...

   Conference (noun), Definition: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

   Behind every great man there's a great woman who can take whatever he just said and turn it into a great big fight

   The worst part about having multiple personalities is eating at a restaurant alone but getting an automatic 20% tip added to the bill.

   We are at DefCon 2. Snow has been forecasted in the area. A whole 1-3 inches. Yes, there is panic.

   If a girl stabs you with a knife on the first date… How many days should you wait to ask her out again???

   Condoms DO NOT guarentee safe sex anymore... A FB friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's Husband...

   happy palentines day, for those of you with the cant we just be friends relationships

   wow...another recipe...thank god I'm on facebook or id never realize theres 721 things I can make with a turnip

   thanks facebook. now I can get a pic of candy instead of somethin I can actually f#kin eat!

   save your dinner pics for match . com not facebook, maybe you can score a fat date...loser