Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 3983 of 6446

gee, the world these days. Sincerely, US Navy Sailor
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02-08-2012 13:26
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Who remembers the pager days!? 4283#2#4663#329
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02-08-2012 13:08
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I have coughed so much this week I think I'm developing 6-pack abs.
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02-08-2012 12:40 by Rick H.
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so....my wife is going to start an all-girl punk band....it'll be called Fistful of Midol....Yea, they'll only play for a week each month tho....
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02-08-2012 12:30 by Slickpony
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so....my aunt doesn't want me using the word "fingerblast" in her husband's eulogy....what's next, I can't use "bloodfart" either?
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02-08-2012 12:29 by S
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so....I just found a bottle of 5-Hour Energy in the gutter.....there was still 18 minutes of energy in it....just the boost I needed....
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02-08-2012 12:28 by Slickpony
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I'm living proof that you should never give up hope. You may find this hard to believe, given my current level of sheer awesomeness, but I was once a pathetic loser like you. Be strong.
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02-08-2012 12:10
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If I sold underwear, they'd be pre-streaked for those poor dudes who feel embarrassed because they don't know how to wipe properly. My slogan? "We've got this s*** covered."
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02-08-2012 11:37
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♥ ♥ ♥ Heartworms ♥ ♥ ♥ Not as cute as they sound.
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02-08-2012 11:34 by CindyAnn
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The Windows Update reminder to restart your computer is like a little kid. You tell it that you'll restart later, so it goes away, then it pops up again in two minutes and says "Ok, it's later!".
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02-08-2012 11:29
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That "dammit" moment when you forget to take your phone to the toilet so you just sit there like "Now what do I do...?"
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02-08-2012 11:14 by CindyAnn
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Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"

I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. I hope it's thinking about me too.

Whoever named it a "mobile" phone obviously didn't anticipate me spending the day on the couch covered in crumbs reading Twitter.

10 times out of 9, you'll find me exaggerating about something.
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02-08-2012 11:01 by CindyAnn
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Unicorns are really just weaponized ponies.

I can wake up at random intervals, crying and hungry too, so screw you babies.

Had a long phone conversation with an old friend. He simply wouldn't shut up about phones. Finally had to just walk away.

Tragedy. A hole has formed in the elbow of my favorite comfy shirt. Do I wait for Bono to call, or reach out to him directly?

The only person I'd ever take love advice from is that French candlestick from Beauty and the Beast.