Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I hate change. facebook changing,gmail changing,underwear changing.....why must these things have to change?

   I want all my Facebook friends to comment on this status, sharing how you met me. But, I want you to LIE. That's right, just make it up. After you commentf, copy and paste to your wall so I can do the same. I bet HALF won't read the instructions right.

   HA! heard on the radio today talking about names of movies that sound like you're taking a crap......crouching tiger,hidden dragon.....any which way you can.....just to name a few of the many...

   To beer or not to beer? thats the question but what is the answer?

   Haven't heard Obama say one thing about getting rid of Nickelback yet!!!!

   Breakfast and double expresso shot in the AM = $9 Monster Energy Drink and Lunch = $16.50 ....taking a nap at 4pm and waking up at 945pm. PRICELESS.

   My ex is spreading false rumors about me being schizophrenic. Well, four can play at that game!

   Haven't heard Obama say one thing about getting rid of Jersey Shore..

   You know if you add the word t!tty to the end of some of your sentences... It just seem to flow right in.

   When your ex says "You'll never find anyone like me" reply with "That's the point"

   For me? Golf is a lot like women..... if she isn't holding my wood, she better be holding an iron.

   About to drink thermometer juice

   i hate that little line of dirt that I can never get into the dust pan...

   If I were a cop......Just as I get ready to taze someone I would say..............pikaaaaaaaaaa.........................CCCCHHHHHH UUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   OBAMA State Of the Union Address tonight!!! It is going to literally knock your Taxes off!!

   The number one song on the day I was born was "Who cares" by the "Waste of times".

   Can you smoke stem cells?

   I think you women are on to something...shoe shopping does make you feel better!!

   Almost time for the "Teleprompters State of the union speech".

   I lost my watch.. cant remember when!...