Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I could have lived forever without knowing grandpa had a 'dong down to his knees' but thanks for the visual grandma.

   In't it amazing how peeps will always remember exactly what they were doing when they found out JFK & Lennon were murdered? So much easier these days though.. What were you doing when you learnt MJ, Winehouse and Whitney had died? Browsing FB of course!

   just got a call from rick ross, said he's jealous of my beard (y)

   Blake Shelton said he sits by Lady Gaga at Emmys. He hope she has on meat dress because he is hungry. Like the way he thinks.

   Best part of being a grown-up? You can eat ice cream whenever you want!

   My mood ring isn't a fashion statement. It is a court order!

   It's getting harder and harder to tell the zombies from the regular people.

   Putting a little bit of syrup into every square on the waffle is my Mona Lisa.

   Let's go back in time and give Baby Hitler a pony. Then World War II will be about Germany giving free candy to France and Poland.

   They should just install an elevator on Mt. Everest and be done with it.

   All I've ever really wanted is a nice little home inside a volcano on an island shaped like a skull. And some nuclear warheads.

   It seems to me like Hoarders and Storage Wars could work something out.

   People joke about Bieber Fever. Don't. Sigourney Weaver Fever killed my father.

   IDK why everyone is sad about Whitney Houston dying; you didn't know her personally. You only knew her musically & musically she died in '93

   ust had a swell idea for an invention... Rear-facing high-beams to flash into the eyes of those discourteous tailgating drivers!

   Ladies: A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world...oh sorry thats wine...wine does that.

   Whenever I take a shower with a girl I pee on her leg to mark my territory.

   Was just at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

   Marilyn Monroe was blessed with the gift of being the most ferocious slut of her generation, remember lasdies...don't waste that special gift!

   Whitney Houston: Born 1963 - Dead Amy Winehouse: Born 1983 - Dead Keith Richards: Born 1943 - Alive Ozzy Osbourne: Born 1948 - Alive. Moral of the story: Women can't handle their drugs