Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is no snooze button on a dog that wants to go out for a piss.

   It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can let yourself back.

   Why yes, yes I can do a pelvic exam, Miss. Here, step into the back of my van.

   Instead of "hazard lights" they should be called "sorry for parking like a d!ck, just pickin up some weed, be right back" lights.

   Facebook's been down for 15 minutes and I'm freaking out because I don't know if anyone's having babies, eating food, or sad about work.

   "OH NO, A PYTHON! Whew just my nose. OH NO COBRA! Nope still my nose. OH NO RATTLESNAKE! Sh!t, nose. God I can't live like this." - Elephant

   If you have to do more then 3 takes when taking a picture of yourself, it's not the angle or the lighting. It's you. You're ugly.

   Read today doing something for 10,000 hours makes you an expert...which makes me an expert in something very, very bad.

   "No, I'm not talking about Twitter. I literally want you to follow me." - Jesus

   Kodak recently filed for bankruptcy after 130 years in business.. I'd like to see the company just reorganize, but we'll see how it goes as the story develops.

   Category: Used&Abused for $1200 Alex....Alex Tribec: Another victim of using recycled jokes.. Contestant: Who is CindyAnn?

   Do you ever stop and think about the days before Facebook, when you would do something and actually not tell anyone?

   The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.

   We can only hope that things turn around before there's time to learn any lessons.

   How dare you steal my status and not like it first! Stop.............(runs after) thief!!!

   In my dream, I was just about to have sex with Meagan Fox, but my alarm went off. You can say I got clock blocked.

   I'm so terrible at Chess. The only way I'll ever get to say "Checkmate" is if I eat at a restaurant in Australia.

   There's a Justin Bieber toothbrush that vibrates. Yeah, I'm pretty sure groupies won't be using it for their teeth.

   My math teacher accused me of cheating, I can't help that my english teacher is hotter.

   I bought a cheese grater for my blind uncle. He said it was the most violent thing he ever read.