Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies that don't know what to get your man for valentines day, I have your answer...Forget the cutesy stuff!!! Get alcohol, feed him Red Meat and have sex with him wearing red and pink. Trust me I'm a guy...

   People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing all the time.

   How can the world end in 2012, if I have a can of corn that expires in 2013?

   How much face would a facebook book if a facebook could book face?

   if this toaster thinks setting 3 is "burn to a crisp and light on fire", I don't even want to know what setting 6 does.

   Going through my friends list and deleting every 5th person because statistically speaking, they have an STD.

   come up with a new drink: Nyquil on the rocks. It's for when you feel sick but still want to be social.

   An optimist is the dude who yells out "Wet t-shirt contest!" during the sinking of the Titanic.

   Now Taking Applications For A VALENTINE. APPLY BELOW

   If at first you don't succeed, do it the way I told you!

   facebook needs to add "still bangin my ex" as a relationship status option

   I wanted to send you something Romantic for Valentines, but the mailman told me to get out of the mailbox.

   Forget Valentine's Day, National Pancake day is the 16th!

   You remind me of my pinkie toe because I know I'm eventually going to bang you on every piece of furniture in my place.

   Elton John had a lovely speech for Witney before his concert in vegas tonight,,then he preceded to sing don't let my son go down on me..

   what is six inches long and won't be getting sucked on valentines day? Whitney Houston's crack pipe...

   shocked that thousands of military personnel have lost their lives and no one says a thing. a drugged out celebrity dies and... well, you know. now THAT'S FUNNY!!!

   You would think part of Frank Farmer's job would also be protecting her from herself.

   "So whose the Doctor who overdose Whitney Houston and how many years he getting?", says Dr Conrad.......

   Valentine Eve: worst time of the year.....constantly remind how single you are or stuck with this looser cupid picked out for you.