Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Those Valentine's Day displays at the entrance of every store are like surprise parties for your loneliness.

   If Taco Bell really did "Think outside the bun," they would add margaritas to their menus, and replace hot sauce packets with Pepto Bismol.

   Can't remember anything after about 9pm last night, but given that I just found my comb in the peanut butter jar, I don't think I want to.

   Saw a baby holding a silly green cellphone rattle, fat colorful plastic keys and a KEEP MOVIN' shirt. Take the hint baby, grow up & get out.

   Thought an owl threw up in my bed but no apparently I ate half a granola bar in my sleep.

   No one believes me when I tell them the music they listen to is bad.

   I'm writing a play about agoraphobic jazz musicians and calling it "Indoor Cats."

   Just sitting here thinking. We don't need more religion, we have plenty. What we need are more Christians, living a Christ like life!

   a new hobby!! I go to the “One Million Mom's” FB page just to post that I'm going to JCPenny!

   would like to crack a dope joke...but sympathies to Houston's family!

   Thinks Whitney had her own pre-grammy party. grammy of coke, grammy of heroin, grammy of.......

   Whitney finally caught up to her career.

   Whitney Houston died? Does that mean we have to wait nearly 20 years for Justin Bieber to die? Has anyone turned him on to coke yet?

   I was sitting having a poo as you do and thought, wow you know, they should hook something up to the flush button that activates an applause. That would be so cool.

   Ventriloquists would be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts.

   News of Whitney Houston's death travelled with such speed. When I heard I couldn't help but crack up with emotion. She was a real heroin. It's such a blow. She really made a hash of things though.

   For the first time since the early 90's, Whitney Houston has everyone talking about her latest 'Hit.' :/

   It's so cold tonight I saw a Rabbi wearing a flannel Yarmulke!

   RIP to the millions of people who die every day and don't get recognized

   There's going to be a huge line outside of Whitney Houston's funeral next week. Which, coincidentally, is what killed her.