Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love when my friends lock their keys in their car... And then call me like I can do something about it.. Just because I'm black doenst mean I know how to break into cars!

   Yesterday I changed the name of my WiFi to 'Hack if you can'. Today it was called 'Challenge Accepted'

   I hate it when people call me as I'm about to use my phone and I accidentally answer it.

   People who post pics of themselves after they have had sex need to be shot.

   That uneasy moment when you get tested and only one of you is positive.

   Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you'd like to put in on Monday.

   Mothers can either make the Best wing-men or the Worst c0ck-blockers

   Apparently this Victoria's Secret catalog isn't scratch-n-sniff.

   íts funnч hσw whєn ím σn thє phσnє í wαndєr tσ plαcєs ín mч hσusє í nєvєr gσ.

   THE ARTISTS may have the most Academy Awards Nominations, but at my house I have been nominated for BEST FATHER and BEST HUSBAND not forgetting BEST MASTER by my dog.

   I know this chick that can do more tricks on a six inch d*ck than a monkey on a mile of grapevine.

   I don't have health insurance, but I do have car insurance. So whenever I get sick I just go crash my car into a tree.

   well done liverpool fc for knocking manchester united out the FA CUP

   The cashier is telling me to "have a nice day," but judging by her tone she wants me to "die in a tire fire."

   This empty bottle of rum has very good manners for being completely drunk. I on the other hand do not.

   Alanis Morissette should have had one hand in her pocket, and the other one Googling the correct usage of the word ironic.

   Am I the only person who thinks that Walmart is missing out on a major opportunity by not having a Golden Corral in all of their stores?

   Dear Mr. Kotter, Juan was unable to complete his homework because he had to take me to the Doctor for my lumbago. Signed, Epstein's Mother RIP Robert Hegyes

   Be careful who you call friends. I'd rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.

   "I don't know why poor people hate me. There's always a new refrigerator box in my front yard for them to use."~ Rush Limbaugh