Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   someone asked me to be a god parent...i think I would be more like a OMG parent

   go to all your friends status updates and type in... You spelled ANAL wrong.

   im happier than a puppy with 2 peters

   my gastro-intestinal Dr. was named Joe...he looked pissed when he came in the room and I sang ..G.I Joe...

   I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?

   I have a feeling that I'm gonna regret not reading youtubes notification about the new policy

   i think casinos should add a russian roulette table for those who jus lost everything

   "Some days, you're the status; others, just a comment."

   Heads up folks. Apparently the little AAA stickers don't count as "proof" of insurance. That is all...

   Fear? I grew up in a time when the Russians wanted to nuke us and the Stray Cats wanted to rock our towns inside out.

   I've yet to see a picture of an Occupy Wall Street protest that didn't make me say, "Hey, that's the guy who delivers my pizza."

   Tip of the Day: Be nice to midgets. They have short tempers.

   If my ship ever did come in, with my luck, I am pretty sure it would be named the Titanic!

   Some day's should come with a warning label: Today's gonna suck, so bring alcohol.

   Dear Mr Sandman ~ I think you lost my Address!

   Feisty & Non compliant, can I get a behavior plan over here?

   I dont know about you, but I think I'm perfectly ok that nobody ever pays me in gum.

   Science FAcT: If you tookkall the veins from your body and lay them end to end, you would die

   I'm like the reverse Michael Jackson. I always wanted to be black. I'm sexually attracted to adults, and I have no talent whatsoever.

   Well, this is my favorite time of year! Coming up this weekend...on Friday and Saturday before super bowl, they will have the BEST free samples at Costco.