Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if being sarcastic burned calories, I'd look like a total crackhead.

   I would be so much cooler if…ah, who am I kidding?

   Groundhog Day is a good time for us to pause & reflect on how much I want Andie MacDowell to sit on my face & wiggle about.

   I like reading "Texts From Last Night" when I'm hungover... It's like yeah I'm pretty ridiculous, but at least I didn't take a dump in someone's shampoo bottle and then text about it.

   I refuse to believe the ground hog saw his shadow until he updates his status.

   All Jack and no work, makes Jill a nymphomaniac.

   Contrary to popular belief, "Puppy Pimps" is not a good name for a dog breeder.

   it a coincidence that Black History Month is in the shortest month of the year even in a leap year? Awkward.

   Dont bite the hand that feeds you, its true, just had an incident at McDonalds and the stupid cashier filed charges

   The only thing that annoy's lately is when I type tge instead of the on my IPhone !! Drives me crazy !

   You know its a sad epidemic when"MILFS" are now considered "Barely Legal" in the porn industry..

   and my excuse to drink today....."Its Groundhog Day!"

   The handicap parking at the special olympics must be insane

   I need a new assistant for my knife-throwing act. Also need a large rug and a gallon of bleach.

   Don't bite the hand that feeds. In fact, don't bite anyone's hand you weirdo.

   Saw the pictures of the Hooters girls who were fired due to weight discrimination? Now I'm in the mood for Wings, Muffin Tops & Camel Toes

   Anyone who thinks Megan Fox is the hottest thing ever has obviously never left Pizza Rolls in too long.

   Jimmy cracked cocaine, and suddenly everyone cared.

   I got locked outta my car @ WalMart so I start to pry it open w/ a hanger. then some idiot asks LOCKED OUT OF UR CAR? no.. just washed it & hangin it out to dry

   Free range chicken is better. The false illusion of freedom before slaughter makes them extra tender.