Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need a lot of coffee to start the day and a lot of booze to end it.

   Get a “Head Start” on the day… Oral sex first thing in the morning!

   Texting angry....All CAPPS!!

   Marriage should have an expression date!

   Town so small get mugged buy people you know!

   Never knew if my father would hit us or the bottle!

   Ladies......I am rebound material!

   My father was a professional wrestler. He hit us but did not hit us!!

   My wife is going to crap when she sees I've fixed the toilet

   "Pay me now Round Eyes" kinda ruins that delightful happy ending moment

   If you spend more time looking in his phone then looking in his heart, You should prolly set your ship sailing.

   Russia is going to the moon, we can't even get to the next state with the price of gas

   girlscouts suck! I ate like 20 boxes of thin mints and I'm not any thinner

   If you put a ";)"face in a text message, I automatically assume your dtf.

   This dude in my neighborhood was laughing at my car. I couldn't take him seriously cause he was riding a ripstick.

   to my cheating ass friend...message me, cuz I'm friends with your wife too

   uh...to the person who asked for the alibi...your on your own pal...

   It's snowing in East London at the moment...First white thing I've seen all day.

   I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.

   If it doesn't kill you,, you'll learn from it.. If it does kill you,, I'll learn from it