Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   B!tch on hardcore pawn got called..'pepperoni ass' I think America jus got its new catch phrase

   Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask dumb questions.

   The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"

   I'm giving up my new year's resolution for lent

   My kitchen is starting to look like a middle school science fair.

   They say the more you drink the higher your tolerance is, but that's bullsh!t because my friend's an alcoholic & he still hates gays.

   My fake ID's finally ready. Can't wait to order off the kids' menu!!

   Some people can stop rocking. I, however, am not one of them.

   What's that thing that's like Photoshop except way easier to use and it's for real life? Oh yeah, vodka.

   6:37am. Out of duct tape AND ether. Plan aborted. For now.

   Today is Ash Wednesday, the day that I get to go around and tell people they have a nice "ash" and not get funny looks or get in trouble.

   Went to Wal-Mart in my painting clothes today....still the best dressed person in there.

   I'm playing the "Tetris" background music in my head when I load the dishwasher,,,,, Awesome

   I don't think dogs like giving high fives as much as we think they do.

   Wesminster has got to let the handlers dress in sweats and sneaks...cuz they look like a-holes runnin in skirts and suits

   whenever I see an ugly baby, I say...GOO!!!! Thanks Adam Sandler

   hindsight is 20/20...we should have registered at home depot instead of macys

   If He-Man had the power of Grayskull, how come he had such a crappy haircut?

   Wanna ruin a girl's day? Respond to her next text with "Who is this?"

   A funny thing would be to dress up as a vampire, go to a blood bank, and ask when happy hour starts.