Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gisele Bundchen just yelled at a meatball for falling off Tom Brady's fork.

   I got some tarter control toothpaste. I still got tarter but that sh*t is under control. 

   I have over 200 cds.. This iPod better be ready for this nonsense I call music!

   Dont make the scars of your past hurt the people in your present

   Today, I had a package stolen from my porch. It was a shipment of customized M&M's for a Valentine's gift. I spent $60 for someone else to eat "I love you" messages.

   Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria's Secret when I will hold your boobs up all day for half that?!

   When I buy butter I don't choose it by how it tastes,I choose the one that's going to make the best cereal bowl when it's empty.

   Every person who ever asked if they were bothering me ..?? was bothering me.

   Ladies, before you moisturize your elbows, know that I've never heard 2 guys, "How were her elbows?" "Oh, they was moist."

   I'm not saying all Irish are alcoholics, but Italians, Chinese + Mexicans have restaurants. The Irish only have pubs.

   So a priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar. Bartender looks at them and says "What is this? Some kind of f@*king joke???"

   Donald Trump endorsing someone for President is like Dr. Phil endorsing someone for Surgeon General.

   The song, "Strangers in the Night," is about your grandpa banging your grandma the night they met.

   Just looking for a special gal whose personality disorders match my personality disorders.

   "This is embarrassing, but would you believe we actually met offline?" - married couples in 5 years

   I told my cousin to embrace her mistakes. she cried. then she hugged her children.

   I'm not really afraid of heights, I'm just afraid of Human stupidity and error.

   My wife asked me "when youre on a boys weekend do you think of me?" apparently 'only to stop me coming too soon' was the wrong answer!

   "touch wood", not everything I say is misunderstood for a sexual euphemism!

   when people say "f°°k this s°°t" is that really a command?