Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don't eat anything else today and tomorrow.

   If you aren't sure if you like someone, here's a test: imagine they're dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?

   Thank you Facebook for giving us a home. Sincerely, ! and :)

   FYI...It is not 'Always Sunny in Philadelphia'!

   ok its almost March....all the people that joined my gym in January for their new years resolution can stop now, I'm tired of waiting to use machines

   I will be running in a 0.25 mile run in support of people with attention deficit disorder (aka Kardashin Dash)

   can't wait for Breaking Dawn Part 2, as Bella and Edward get hunted down by Blade! Perhaps that's just wishful thinking

   thinks that If I were a Jedi, I'd have long frizzy hair, red leather pants, and lots of attitude.. and I'd go by Obi-wan Bon Jovi

   When my kids piss me off, I show them a picture of Rosie O'Donnell and tell them that's their real dad.

   I let my dog drink out of the toilet & then lick me on the mouth because it's easier than eating Activia.

   Girls.. If you want him to treat you like a queen, first you have to treat him like a king...

   The phone rang & I tried to answer the stapler..Yup its friday..chug chug

   WHAT DO WE WANT..?..WHEN DO WE WANT IT..? We don't know.!! -Women's protest rally.

   I watched this Chinese guy Jeremy Lin play on MSG last night, but 30 minutes after the game it was like I hadn't even watched basketball and I was in the mood to watch another game...

   Lesbianism is proof that size doesn't matter!!

   Lite: the new way to spell “Light,” now with 20% fewer letters!

   It's extremely frustrating when you spell a word so incorrectly that even spell check isn't able to help you out.

   When you're stressed, You eat Ice cream, Cake, Chocolate & Sweets. Why? Because stressed spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

   I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker's crotch. If she flinches, I know it's a dude.

   All relationships go through sh!t. Real relationships get through sh!t.