Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a girl stabbed me on our first date, how many days should I wait to ask her out again?

   Still haven't heard Obama or GOP candidates say anything about getting rid of Jersey Shore or deporting Justin Bieber back to Canada…

   The cost of living has gone up so much that my wife is now having sex with me as she can't afford the batteries now !!'

   When I get old, I don't want people thinking, "what a sweet old grandpa..." I want them to worry - "I hope he is not armed with AK 47..."

   wondering what a "PANG of DISAPPOINTMENT" is....

   just got college letters from the marines, navy, army and coast gaurd. Well obviously somebody has been watching me play Call Of Duty...

   The Honeymooners, The Flintstones, The King Of Queens, The Simpsons and The Family Guy. They all star big dudes with thin chicks. THANKS FOR RUINING IT FOR US, MIKE N' MOLLY!

   I imagine Fabio Capello has resigned to concentrate fully on his commitments as one of the Dolmio puppets.

   A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.

   I was carrying groceries to the house the other night, when Justin Bieber played on my mp3 player. Had to bang my head on the trunk until my earphones fell out.

   refuses to swallow my pride. The last thing I need in my diet right now is more empty calories.

   thinks that "Ignorance is bliss" is my personal motto because it hasn't steered me wrong and even if it has, how would I know?

   thinks that proofreading is my worst enema.

   If I ever get Amnesia, don't waste Thousands of Dollars taking me to a Psychologist. Just show me my Facebook account.

   Hey, people who name things. Good job on "waiting room." Really spot on.

   Sometimes when I say "I guess" I'm not really guessing. Feels good to finally clear the air.

   If Facebook really wanted to entertain us, they'd make it a requirement for people to share their "mental status" in addition to each new status update.

   Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"

   Looked at the label and the "Muscle Milk" I'm drinking "contains no milk". Great. Next I'll probably find out it's not made of ground muscle.

   I'm going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn't enough