Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish the oil companies would give up "ridiculous price gouging" for lent...

   If I can`t easily reach what I dropped…I begin to justify why I don`t need it.

   One thing that all us white guys from the suburbs can agree on is if a black guy has a British accent, we're 85% less scared of him

   I don't run for fun! If you see me running past you, you better start running too because something is coming.

   I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.

   WHAT DO WE WANT? If you have to ask, we're not telling you! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? We don't know! -Women's protest rally.

   I'm thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there's this thing called Google now.

   What's the right age to tell your kids Canada isn't real?

   I forgot Rhianna's ex-boyfriend's name...then it hit me.

   difficulty trusting someone with colored contacts...they have already lied to me once.

   sure dude, you can have a smoke, and i'll light it for you, but tell me, have you ever even bought a pack of cigs in your entire life...oh its ok..yeah, I kno, you'll buy me a pack..ok yea

   found some of my old action figures, so what if Mr. T is driving The General Lee, and GI Joe has to wear daisy dukes..

   work face: open mouth, look up, avoid eye contact, never get asked to do anything important again

   We all know someone who breathes way too damn loud.

   If I'm looking for something and you ask me where did I see it last, I will slap the last person who asked me a dumb question.

   Religion- The longest game of Simon says ever.

   you can quit with the whole "limited time offer" Proactiv, you've always been $19.95..

   I think women should give it up for lent, if you know what I mean ;)

   I only use medical marijuana to treat PMS symptoms. It really helps me forget how much of a b!tch my girlfriend is being.

   God should have made stupidity painful.