Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever feel like someones watching you? Yeah its me. Always check the Back Seat.ALWAYS.

   It's always "going to be okay" when it's not happening to you.

   I'm taking a First Aid training course with CPR this afternoon. Starting tomorrow you can address me as Doctor.

   My wife is like a tree She falls down after being hit repeatedly with an Axe.

   Son: Where did I come from daddy? Dad: Your Mother Son: Where did she come from? Dad: THE DEPTHS OF HELL!!!!!

   What do you get when you toss a ball into a cage full of monkeys? NBA

   Nudists need to be exposed for what they are.

   cakes 66p Upside down cakes 99p

   My wife said, "You always blame everyone else when things go wrong" I said.."And whose fault is that?"

   Science Question: How do stars die? Drugs normally

   Chasing the American Dream does not count as excercise

   If there are 3 Apples on the Table and Jamal takes 2 Apples. What colour is Jamal?

   I forgive and forget, because I have a good heart, and a terrible memory.

   On my laptop, sticky keys are always on.

   all about the status ..bite me...hows that? are ya gonna hand pick this one??

   I think you should say happy birthday 4 times to everyone havin a bday tomorrow.. since they only get 1 bday every 4 years..

   Funny how some women will spend over a hundred dollars for products to clean their face, yet purchase the cheapest toilette paper to clean their A$$.

   I'm like God to this girl. I'm always watching her...... & she's never seen me. - Stalker

   Maybe you should eat makeup so you can be pretty on the inside, bi**ch!

   I'm thinking when they say,, "Instant Credit",, I think they really mean,, "Instant Debt".