Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because you're talking, doesn't mean I'm listening.

   i think we should call comedians laughletes

   Don't like me? Cool, I don't wake up everyday to impress you!

   Dad: son make your bed. Son: thats like tying my shoes after I take them off.

   I think less people would tempted to use an "Out of Order" Toilet... if the sign actually read... "Ain't Takin' NO Sh*t"!

   MOM: Make your bed! SON: Why make my bed If I'm gonna sleep In It again tonight? MOM: Why wipe your ass If you are gonna poop again?

   Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

   I wonder how much pot was being consumed to phrase the expression raining cats and dogs.

   Look..shove the pics of your grandkids down our throats all you want, fb friends, as we snicker and think to ourselves, "Man, that's a goofy looking kid."

   "Mom...can I wear a mini skirt today?" "NO!" "Why not I'm 17?" "Justin I said no!"

   I've been to the dark side. They lied about the cookies.

   I hate it when strangers say silly things like, "I don't bite" Yeah, because the first thing I think when I meet someone is "OMG! This b!tch is gonna bite me!"

   Everyone deserves one free kill in life.

   The only thing keeping me from driving off this bridge is the insurance rate increase if I survive

   I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well

   when a kid says a cussword some parents & babysitters will wash their mouth out with soap....if you type a cussword does that mean you should wash ur hands?

   What's the deal with people who hit you up on the chat, then take twenty minutes to type their responses? DELETE.

   Doing my best to, as the kids say: "keep it real." Or some such thing

   Hamburger Helper can only help the hamburger that wants help.

   Can't wait to see "The Lorax"! Finally, a movie answers the age old question: What if Wilford Brimley was orange?