Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm never ok with Chris Brown hitting women...unless we're talking about Justin Bieber.

   Just because you had an arugment doesn't mean you are fighting. Frickin' dramatic people!

   Fellas: To prevent injuring your thumb while hammering, have your wife hold the nails.

   I usually dodge becoming a third wheel by saying "I have the Flu''.

   If she gives you the "Side Hug", You're in the Friend Zone.

   Women cheat on men more often when they're ovulating. Men cheat on women more often when they're drunkulating.

   I have a memory foam mattress... I really hope it doesn't remember everything.

   Dear automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm... but I wasnt finished..

   I argue with myself sometimes. Just for the make-up sex.

   I can't play the bagpipes but I can wear a dress and squeeze a really fat cat.

   Decided to clean the kitchen this morning, started with the last of the rum cake. Cleaned that right up. Decided that was enough cleaning for today..

   Welcome to ticketmaster. Please enter the 2 completely illegible words to search for tickets. If you can't read the words, click here for two more completely illegible words.

   if you dont remember ever when MTV actually had music vidoes, then you not a true 90's kid

   Oh, I see. Now I'm supposed to recruit a bunch of people to move gigantic limestone blocks. This is starting to sound like a pyramid scheme.

   Kelly Ripa and KrIsten Chenoweth are made from 100% recycled Dolly Parton scraps.

   "Just kidding!" is one of the biggest lies there is.

   sweet old lady in front of me driving the lincoln, smoking with one hand and texting with the other, please stop hitting your brakes because I am gonna spill my beer

   Bad reaction to medication. I will never buy my meds from the trunk of a Buick again!

   An error occurred while not trying to add your sorry a$$ to my database. Please try again later.

   Never fails. Always behind the person filling out a mortgage at the ATM machine