Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girls love shoes... so if she throws one at you, you know she's really pissed off.

   I can't remember the last time I heard a dial tone.

   Why even hit on chicks this weekend? I've already been fuc$ed once this week by gas prices.

   I hope Snooki doesn't have problems while giving birth, otherwise the Dr. will be saying "Uh oh, looks like we're having a little Situation"

   I hate it when websites ask me, "Are you a human?" It's like, no, I'm a freakin' unicorn.

   Common sense is like deodorant... The people who need it most never use it.

   My shower only has two options: 3rd degree burns or skinny dipping in Antarctica.

   Did you know that the word "suns" upside down is still "suns"? Mind = BLOWN

   It would be much appreciated if "emotionally damaged" was a relationship status, it would save me SO MUCH TIME AND MONEY!

   To all of you women that get offended by men looking at your chests, just turn around, we like looking at butts too...

   Seriously? If I denied your friend request a month ago chances are we're not going to be fb friends with this request either

   I really don't get interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much, by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?

   Wondering why MTV hasn't done "15 and Slutty" yet... it would air just before "Teen mom".. Seems kinda like a no-brainer.

   I have a friend named Jay. We call him J for short.

   I'll probably never love anything as much as this sweet old lady sitting next to me at the Blackjack table loves her next cigarette.

   Brett Favre has joined Twitter. I'll be giving him a little time to figure things out before I click on any of his Twitpics.

   Hope the boss learns not to call people in on Saturday afternoon with no advance notice. Half the department is drunk! This should go well.

   Wondering why MTV hasn't done "15 and Slutty" yet. Seems kinda like a no-brainer.

   Put blue Gatorade in a empty bottle of Windex and walk around the street squirting it into your mouth! Fun times.

   This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is 'funny and spontaneous', yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it's all panic and screaming.