Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can stand a broom up any time year round. You just balance it on the bristles. Oh, wait, sorry.... I've been standing brooms up on their own for ages. I must be some sort of broom-standing God. All bow down. Sacrifice your vacuum cleaners.

   DOCTORS WRITING: "﹏﹏ ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏." HOW I SEE IT: "∮₪₮￦￡." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."

   OPERATOR: "9-1-1 please hold." ME: "Okay. Wait, stop stabbing me for a sec." MURDERER: "K."

   Fast replies make me feel like you actually want to talk to me. But slow replies make me think you're talking to someone better.

   I sent a text message pouring my damn heart out, and all you reply back with is "K"... B$tch you was better off not replying.

   What would life be like without women? A pain in the as$.

   Snooki is pregnant with a due date on December 21st?...Touche Mayans...Touche

   Try this for fun: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people's cars saying "Sorry for the damage." Watching them is priceless.

   Stop obsessing about sex. Relax, and breathe slowly. Breathe in. Breathe out. In... and out... in and out... IN AND OUT! IN AND OUT! FASTER!

   Nothing says love like, "I'm busy this weekend but I'll call you Wednesday."

   Pepperidge Farms bread is fancy stuff. It's wrapped twice. So when you open it, it's still not open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need that extra step between me and toast!

   I live life on the edge, when I go grocery shopping I place all my eggs in the same basket! Thats just how I roll.

   what do you call wrinkles on Grandma?? .... Grandpa! :-)

   What are the three most important items on a wood stove?? ........"Lifter, Legs and Poker"

   I bet virgin wool comes from really ugly sheep!

   I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took them off. "Take off my shoes" I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra, and panties!" I took all them off. Then she looks at me n said, "I dont want to catch you wearin my things ever again!"

   face down ass up that's the way I like to.... um pick up some change I dropped.

   I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I'm depressed.

   Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

   Men wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.