Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I'm the designated driver, I want to look cool ordering my drink. So I ask for a Jack and Dr. Pepper hold the Jack.

   Dont let those people hurt you when they call you fat. Just keep your chins up!!

   :The sign above my office door reads "Dr. J. Smith - The rapist". It's kinda funny 'cause most women who visit my office enquire about the typo. Many limp out realising there isn't one.

   When you wake up before you're alarm and when it goes off it scares the sh** out of you

   According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You're actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.

   This man just said he date homeless women because you can drop them off anywhere

   Don't ever blame yourself if people can't accept you for who you are.

   Just told the waitress her arss look like two kids playing under a blanket...

   #1 female lie: "I have a headache" #1 male lie: "I'm on my way"

   I'm not crazy; I've been just in a very bad mood for thirty years. :)

   If a midget smokes weed, do they get high or medium?

   I love my six pack so much I protect it with a layer of fat.

   Ghetto people are always naming their kids after stuff they cant afford: Mercedes, Bentley, Pearl, Life Insurance.

   I hate it when friends talk to people you have been with or had things with... It's like bros before hoes has no meaning at all these days.

   If being asleep is becoming the favorite part of your day it might be time to make some changes in your life!

   Nothing like finding your credit card in your 3 year olds play wallet, like mother, like daughter... Just shoot me now!!.

   Vending machines are so homophobic. Sorry my dollar isn't straight enough for you...

   OPERATOR: "9-1-1 please hold." ME: "Hey, Fire can you finish cooking the food before the house?" FIRE: "The one in the Pantry or on the Stove?"

   ordered new smart phone tonight. my old phone has been with me for about 6 years. it was a good phone but its time to put him out to pasture...i will miss you lg env. you were my best phone ever... Goodbye Lttle Buddy!!.

   TEENAGERS: The most misunderstood people on earth. Treated like children & expected to act like adults.