Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Milk that says ‘98% fat free' should just come out and say, ‘Water with 2% milk'

   The most useless advice in the world: "CHILL OUT"

   I'm so hungry I could eat something healthy.

   thinking about getting lip plates installed like african tribes, it would save alot of trips in a buffet...load it up, tilt head back..start again

   Feeling stressed about something? Ask yourself, “Will this really matter after I've had a few drinks?”

   cut through an adult gift store parking lot to avoid a traffic light, my neighbor only saw me pulling out with my mother. :/

   You young and ignorant boys can keep your virgins; give me hot old women in high heels with a$$es that forgot to get old.

   Ladies: Can we have more head and less headaches please!!

   remember, it is not a lie if you believe it!

   A snake bit me today and my neighbour's wife was kind enough to suck the venom out. Or at least that's what I told my wife when she walked in on us.

   That uneasy moment when you realize the garbage goes out more than you.

   Arousal is a miracle… Don't try to hide it. It's an unsolicited endorsement, a standing ovation, a spontaneous demonstration. ~Playboy

   I don't wear a watch. I DECIDE what time it is.

   I haven't been laid in such a long time that my virginity is beginning to grow back.

   Sometimes when I am bored I like to park on the side of the freeway and stick a blow dryer out the window and watch the cars slam on their brakes.

   I am the guy she asks to feel her legs after shaving.

   Hints that someone is not enjoying your company. . 1. I keep backing away from you. 2. No eye contact. 3. Keep checking my phone. 4. I'm trying real hard to spontaneously combust.

   new rule: For every post you don't like, you must post a better one..

   The best thing about a german shepherd is after he kills someone, he dismembers and...buries them. all by himself..no muss no fuss. good boy

   i like my own posts for psychological manipulation of you, also cuz I do like them