Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can't stand my broom on the end, becuase my wife won't stop flyin around on it long enough

   My Bologna only needs a first name... I think a second name only confuses everything...

   Because it's Monday, I'll go ahead and tell you what the funniest thing is the world is: A fat guy falling down his last 3 stairs, while farting. Glad no one was here.

   Monday Morning. Kind of woke up needing Viola Davis to tell me you is kind you is smart you is important.

   A baggage carousel is the least fun carousel ever.

   You know how sometimes you accidentally drop food on the floor and eat it anyways? I just did that with soup

   Anytime a bird takes a crap on my car, I eat an entire plate of scrambled eggs on my porch. Just to show the birds what I'm capable of.

   My only real goal in life is to fart loud enough to trigger a car alarm. :)))

   Has anyone notice on the visit California commercial, Kim Kardashian is pretending to read a Quantum Physics book?

   Had a Children's Message at church today. Pastor has a bunch of sports equpment. Asks the kids what each is used for. They all tell what sport they are for. When he hold up a bible my kid raises her hand and says "that's what pastors play with!"

   Today, my girlfriend revealed to me that she has primeisodophobia. What is primeisodophobia, you may ask? Well, it's the fear of losing your virginity.

   Being single is better than being lied to, cheated on, and disrespected.

   Why do I hate people who are in relationships so much?

   Don't judge me until you know me. Don't underestimate me until you challenge me. And don't talk about me until you talk to me

   It's amazing how dudes can take care of Jordan's, but can't take care of a woman.

   I'm a big guy. I hate going shopping and the only I can find that fits is cologne.

   MILF...Man I Love Fries.

   The less you give a damn, the happier you will be.

   My "Baggage" flies on a broom and smells of brimstone...

   Don't think I know half of my FB friends....Who the heck are you people?