Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The porn industry needs to realize that a 42 year old woman in pigtails and knee high socks isn't "Barely Legal".

   Thirty five people died from eating cantaloupe in Jan. And that,, right there, should be this years new slogan for Krispy Kreme.

   they are illegal!!!! If they were legal no one would have a problem with it.

   Your so beautiful I can see you in 3D, yep thats my room number

   Rush Limbaugh is like Frosty The Snowman if someone put the magical hat on a pile of poop.

   A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.

   7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

   The better person you become, the better person you will attract.

   If a Chinese student knows more English than you do in terms of punctuation and grammar....you're screwed.

   there have been about 514 leap years since Ceaser created it in 45BC. Without the extra day every 4 years today would be July 28th, 2013. Also, the Mayan calendar did not account for leap year....so technically the world should have ended 7 months ago.

   I was watching Dexter earlier. Man he's come a long way. It's amazing how he kills all those people without his old Laboratory.

   does anybody use typewriter still?

   Confucious says, man who fingers girl on period gets caught red handed.

   Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.

   Just watched a clip of Jersey Shore... Now my eye's have chlamydia.

   Your magnetic bracelet is causing me to have negative thoughts about you.

   I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.

   If anyone ever tells you “Good Luck in your future endeavors” It's just a polite way to say “Go ███████ Your self!” :P

   will drink responsibly when someone names a brand of alcohol “Responsibly.”

   lowercase letters: just like UPPERCASE letters, but without all the demand for attention