Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Try this for fun: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people's cars saying "Sorry for the damage." Watching them is priceless.

   Stop obsessing about sex. Relax, and breathe slowly. Breathe in. Breathe out. In... and out... in and out... IN AND OUT! IN AND OUT! FASTER!

   Nothing says love like, "I'm busy this weekend but I'll call you Wednesday."

   Pepperidge Farms bread is fancy stuff. It's wrapped twice. So when you open it, it's still not open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need that extra step between me and toast!

   I live life on the edge, when I go grocery shopping I place all my eggs in the same basket! Thats just how I roll.

   what do you call wrinkles on Grandma?? .... Grandpa! :-)

   What are the three most important items on a wood stove?? ........"Lifter, Legs and Poker"

   I bet virgin wool comes from really ugly sheep!

   I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took them off. "Take off my shoes" I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra, and panties!" I took all them off. Then she looks at me n said, "I dont want to catch you wearin my things ever again!"

   face down ass up that's the way I like to.... um pick up some change I dropped.

   I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I'm depressed.

   Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

   Men wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

   For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

   Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

   How come they always announce the reporters as reporting live from the scene? Has any of them reported dead from the scene before?

   3 bad things happened to me today: I found out my friend slept with my girl. My friend got hit by a bus. I lost my bus driver's licence.

   If Pluto isn't a planet because it's too small, then are midgets really people?

   Buy one beer for the price of two and receive a second beer ABSOLUTELY FREE!

   That uneasy moment between your birth and your death.