Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My right hand dumped me and my left hand found someone else.

   Cartoons: The only place where you can wear the same thing everyday, and nobody cares.

   "What comes after the letter T?" Normal People: "U" Me: "Wait. A, B, C, D, E, F, G....."

   C.L.A.S.S = Come Late And Start Sleeping.

   Who says I can't cook? You've obviously never tasted my cereal!

   Teacher : "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!?!?!" - Student: "Are you asking me out? O_O"

   Dear radio stations, You do know there are more than 5 songs in the world, right? Sincerly annoyed listeners.

   Life is s( o )( o ) much funnier when you have a dirty mind.

   So I met this prostitute who said she'd do anything for $20. Guess who got their homework done. ;)

   I don't know what Squidward's problem is. I would love to live next to SpongeBob!

   What if were all dead and this is our hell?

   going to celebrate President's day by chopping down a cherry tree to make Lincoln Logs.

   Am I the only one that finds it ironic that only one company is allowed to make the game Monopoly...

   Fact: You can burn up to 10 calories a minutes while having sex... Related: Looking for a workout partner.

   Yes I would like to receive special offers via e-mail. That way I can forward them to my friends and piss them off.

   If a resturant describes any off its food items as "Our world famous....", it isn't.

   Ladies: You know by saying you want a man who is good in bed implies that you are also good in bed right??

   My Dr, told me you are what you eat. I need to eat a skinny person.

   called your boyfriend gay, and he marked up my car with lipstick.

   Your face isn't a coloring book. Chill on the makeup!!