Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sum ppl need to be pistol whipped. . .with a grenade launcher.

   Got checked out by cute girl...Total was $13.92

   In honor of my childhood idol, Whitney Houston, who has been sober for 10 days now, I am giving up beer for Lent. She is a true inspiration and a hero...

   Went for a horse ride today...horse wouldn't stop, just kept going out of control...luckily the store clerk unplugged it before I fell off!

   Where are my beads?? I guess I'm only giving "Pearl Necklaces" this year!!

   In celebration of "Fat Tuesday", I only plan to party on days that start with "T" from now on......Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday! ツ

   it too much to ask that the ATM spit out an extra $20 every now and again?

   I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That's us in 10 years". She said "That's a mirror".

   Everyone is perfectly normal until they stumble upon Facebook or Twitter.

   today is fat tuesday....basically lets women feel okay about themselves and their fupa:D

   before I pee in a public washroom, I try to erect just incase the dude beside me looks over so he will know never to look over again

   you can keep America beautiful with 2 simple words...jenny craig

   Today is Fat Tuesday, and of course, this being America, it will be followed by Even Fatter Wednesday, Obese Thursday and Fat-A$$ Friday.

   HEIGHT OF INNOCENCE: Girl applying medicine to her nipples thinking they are pimples.

   When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don't have if they are asking me for advice.

   Why do they keep records of people who died due to alcohol, but not the records of people who were born thanks to it?

   Sex: It might be good exercise, but that's not why we do it!

   Drunkenness neither keeps a secret, nor observes a promise.

   has found that when my son says "the other day", it can mean any time up to a year ago.

   Just changed my FB to "in a relationship with vodka which gets complicated after downing shots of tequila