Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like my women like I like my toaster, with two big warm holes and doesn't leave the kitchen !!

   What does a woman's arse and mouth have in common? Both are fun to put a c*ck in but nothing but sh*t comes out of them both

   The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

   I only have affairs with Librarians. They know how to keep things quiet

   Sometimes when I have my friends over I call the cops on myself so the neighbors think I'm having a kick-ass party!

   TGIF....this gas is free (neighbor doesnt use locking gas cap

   Sometimes I call the cops on myself so the neighbors think I'm having a kick-ass party! ツ

   "I've been seeing someone else, but you probably haven't heard of him." - how hipster chicks admit cheating

   I've definitely got an LOL addiction. I can't stop texting, typing, even saying it sometimes...I need help. LOL

   "if you haven't gotten laid using facebook, you're doing it wrong" - 90% of facebook users

   The Man With The Yellow Hat is going to scold Curious George once too often and then be known as The Man With The Yellow Hat And No Face.

   I don't hate you, I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.

   Hates it when all the voices in my head say "Gesundheit" at the same time after I sneeze..

   Relationship Killers : Insecurity, trust issues, Facebook, Twitter, jealousy, lack of communication, assumptions

   I'm going to bed after a hard day of converting oxygen to carbon dioxide.

   Wow!!! I farted into my iPhone and Siri told me what I had for breakfast.

   I hate when I throw my phone onto my bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.

   When I see your face, there's not a thing I would change .... except the direction I'm walking in.

   What has 15 legs and 9 teeth? The checkout line at Walmart.

   Kony 2012. Great another Republican is joining the race for president.