Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've got ten texts msgs today asking me for sex tonight. I wouldn't have minded, but I've borrowed my girlfriend's cell phone for the day.

   Walking past a new employee's desk & yelling, "Do you think it's a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.

   I always leave a light on when I'm not home so no one accidentally breaks anything while robbing me.

   I couldn't finish my dinner , so the waitress asked me: "do you want a box for that ?" I responded " no , but i'll arm wrestle you for it "

   BREAKING NEWS: New iPad Will Do Same Sh*t other iPads Already Do!

   Thinking.... If they want to make this Kony guy famous, why don't they put him on Uganda's got talent?

   If she's a member of Kony's army...she's too young for you bro

   It has been brought to my attention that the stick figure decals on the back windows of vehicles are NOT pedestrian "kill" scores, but, actually are meant to represent members of your family. I'll be removing mine asap to avoid any further confusion

   pain is weakness leaving the body....so those who have been hurt live strong ♡

   I couldn't finish my dinner , so the waitress asked me: "do you want a box for that ?" I responded " no , but i'll arm wrestle you for it "

   Can you imagine what the Clapper would have acted like in the Three Stooges House... a strobe light?

   I did a striptease for my wife but it didn't go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she had left the room.

   Getting a BJ is overwhelming. I mean, going to BJs is overwhelming.

   The only trip I can afford is 'shrooms.

   I'd like to see a UPS man fall out of his door-less truck when he takes a corner too fast.

   I would imagine if you understood morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy!

   I would TGIF, but he scheduled me to work Saturday ...

   My dog was howling, so I mooned her.

   You may not be familiar with the lesser known dwarf, Stabby. He was away, doing 25 to life.

   If your girlfriend sees you blow drying pen*s and asks “what are you doing???” Never!!! Never ever tell her - "heating your dinner honey!!!"