Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i just spelled a word so incorrectly that spell check just enrolled me back into school

   When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose. - Andy Rooney

   Virginity can be cured.

   There's got to be an easier way to get vodka into a Capri Sun.

   I think I invented some new kama sutra moves trying to reach the remote without getting up.

   I'm so tired, I just spent 5 minutes trying to figure out how to vote for Ron Paul on the self-checkout machine at the grocery store.

   I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.

   as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chair!!!

   When people tell you things "as your friend", that means they hate you and want to destroy you.

   My advice to Charlie Brown or any kid who wants more friends; don't tell people your dog is a WWI flying ace

   Remember when we were kids and we were in such a rush to grow up and become adults? Boy, was that stupid.

   I can tell when someone is lying just by the simple fact that they begin asking a question by saying "Quick question".

   You'll never meet anyone who's quietly in training for a charity run

   With Daylight Savings in effect but on a leap year, isn't this only Sunday? #ThingsMyCoffeeMakerTalksToMeAbout

   may reflect economic consequences in relation to constraints placed upon us..! (",)

   When you stop looking thru the distorted mirror held up for you in this world- it provides a measure of clarity which is refreshing! But the downside is you actually see how; distasteful, counterfeit, society is currently... objectively determined values

   ..is (-_(-_(-_(*-_-)_-)_-) (>^_^)>...All eyes on you! (",)

   Desperate Housewives is on my TV.... I am DESPERATE trying to find the remote to turn this crap off!!

   I don't play "Hard To Get" , I play "Never Going To Happen"

   Get 10 Parmesan Bread Bites for a buck when you order 2 pizzas for 5.99...we can do this cause our pizza's $uck.