Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your mumma's so fat when she goes to McDonalds they ask her what she doesn't want

   Sometimes I wish I was like my calendar, it always has dates.

   Last time I was upset, my dog brought me all of his toys and laid on my head.

   Bodies always understand each other, even when the souls do not.

   I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at work.

   Did anyone ever find out who let the dogs out?

   Regardless of what they say, Romance is NOT dead. It's just playing dead. Kiss someone's lips to resuscitate it.

   You can only say, “WTF?” so many times a day, until you just decide to start drinking.

   When in doubt, put some booze in it.

   I didn't text you. Vodka texted you.

   I'm ambidextrous; I can drink and make love equally well with either my left or right hand.

   Rearrange the letters to spell an important part of the human body that is most useful when erect: PNESI [A. spine]

   2013. The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section to the comedy section.

   I bet the YMCA dance is alot harder to do in Chinese.

   Eat sugar Smacks,My piss smells like Sugar Smacks.Yes today will be a good day!

   I didn't know the name of the curly-mustachioed head shop proprietor, but that didn't make him a "stranger." And so, I accepted his candy.

   Person just said they can't wait for technology to beamed them cross country instead of flying. I see it now Error 404 "Passenger Not Found"

   Fair is fair but sometimes unfair is still kinda fair comparatively.

   You can drown in two inches of water. I'm not reciting facts, I'm making suggestions.

   Facebook is neat because it provides a platform for me to connect with old friends, make new ones, and figure out which one's are completely insane.