Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you know....I like my men like my Rum: Gone in the morning....

   Just saw an ad on my homepage that read, "Like Writing About Beards? Search For Careers Now!" - because if there's one thing we're really lacking right now, it's freelance beard writers.

   Hand Sanitizer: Helping us discover paper cuts we never knew we had

   I want you to know something but I dont want to tell you so I'll let the first three words of this sentence

   if I want to commit suicide , all I would do is jump from your 'EGO' to your ' IQ Level'.

   Raisin Cookies that look like Chocolate Chip Cookies is the reason why I have trust issues

   Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out

   Condoms are cheaper than diapers, remember that:)

   You're fat because you have a slow metabolism and a fast appetite!!!

   "Luke, I'm like totally your father. Party on." ~~Garth Vader

   There's a difference between being funny and being annoying.

   <----Thinks it adds more stress going to a Spa and paying $ 160 an hour for Swedish !

   I'm one boob, you're the other boob and together...we're Breast friends.

   Not sure if FB will exist when I die, but if it does, please don't write on my wall after that, it will re- kill me if I can't answer all of your posts, and even worse, if I can't delete some of them.

   I just bumped into my sexy neighbour. She said, "Hows the little one,

   Sometimes Karma takes way too long. I would rather beat the crap out of you NOW!

   People say, "You have to work on a marriage." No thank you. I already have a job.

   Just realized.. I called one of my customers from work 48 times.. While trying to vote for someone on a reality tv show... Whoopsies

   You can't judge a book by it's cover...but you can judge milk by it's smell.

   Ladies, if you love a man, set him free. If he comes back he will be yours forever. If he doesn't, the new chick probably does anil.