Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Irony: Getting a girl pregnant on a "pull out" couch.

   Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 7 minutes off of your life. That has to be most delicious form of suicide.

   Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house... just trying to help

   Shut up sl$t, my showers last longer than your relationships.

   Accidentally sprayed cologne in me eye. As long as my eye smells good..

   Alcoholics are Gods rodeo clowns.

   Our national drug is alcohol. We tend to regard the use any other drug with special horror

   There's only 2 addresses I ever remember, my own house, and P Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.

   Did you ever pee in the toilet as a kid and try to make the top of the water completely full of bubbles? I just filled the whole waterline with bubbles.....don't be hatin!

   ..... For some people madness isn't only confined to March!!!

   was worried about the tornado warning...then I looked around the house and realized it had already touched down.

   Every time an angel has a menstrual cycle a maxipad gets its wings

   "You`re fat." "It runs in my family!" "Dude, no one runs in your family."

   Things we are thankful for: #1: friends and family #2: caller I.D so we can avoid our friends and family.

   Don`t you wish you could just Google anything? Like; "where`s the remote?" Google: "under the couch"

   An ex should stay an EX. They`re an EXample of the wrong love & an EXplanation for why you deserve better!

   girls were probably first put on a pedestal so guys could see up their skirts

   My child has the flu and wants a hug. No dice, kid.

   gets annoyed now when I have to tell a story...duh, I know you saw my status about it already.

   I feel like a grownup when I take out the trash instead of smooshing it down.