Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm hungry. Fridge: I don't give a s#it. Cabinet: Bi$ch, don't look at me. Freezer: LOL. You like ice?

   Surprise sex is the best sex. Unless you're in prison.

   I'm going to change my name to 'Benefits' Now when you add me on Facebook it will say "You are now friends with benefits."

   There's "hell" in hello and there's "good" in goodbye. I don't know what that means, but think about it.

   what starts with F and ends with UCK? Yes you're right, it's FIRETRUCK :)

   Forty percent of sports fans leave games with alcohol in their blood, according to the dumbest study ever conducted.

   my Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

   I'm never buying video games from Mexican websites again. Super Mario Van Peebles is the worst game I've ever played.

   I guess if you spoke your mind you wouldn't have much to say....

   I leave homework till the last minute, because I'll be older and therefore wiser!

   Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.

   ♫So I'm shaving all my love.....Yeah I'm shaving all my lovin'...Yes I'm shaving all my love for you ♫

   depending on which clock I look at in my house, i'm either really early, or really late...

   There's now a Taco Bell taco with a shell made out of Doritos?,, Hmmm, It seems that our junk foods have started hunting each other.

   You know you're an ugly chick when you slip Rohypnol in your own drink and hope for the best.

   It took me 10 miles of driving and almost running a grandma off the road before I figured out how to change the clock in the car with 1 hand today. I felt victorious and did a fist pump.

   It's okay to laugh during sex, just don't point.

   I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.

   Remember when you'd be driving along and see a smashed cassette tape by the side of the road with the tape stretched out forever, flying on the breeze of every passing car? I miss those days.

   Yo guys. Ever see a really good looking pregnant woman, and think of how good the sex must have been?