Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to join Herbal Magic...because according to the commercial once you join you can share your ideas with upper management.

   I spent an hour explaining how WiFi works to my dad and my dog. The dog gets it.

   If it wasn't for diarrhea,,, I'd have no rhea at all...

   Recent studies show that 1 out of 3 Americans weigh as much as the other 2 put together.

   not wearing any green! Watcha gonna do?!

   Success at age: 2- Not pissing your pants 12-13- Having friends 16-17-Having sex 20-35 Making money 40-50-Making money 60-65-Having sex 70-75- Having friends 80-100 Not pissing your pants

   This day thirty years ago, I gave the old excuse "My underwear are!".

   Billionaire Chaleo Yoovidhya, the co-founder of energy drink Red Bull and the second richest man in Thailand, died....Looks like he finally got his wings.

   HA! If you think I'M crazy you should meet ME!

   I thought the fire alarm went off so I exited the building. It was a premature evacuation..

   You can really tell who your friends are by looking at your friends list.

   The things I've seen while hiding in someone's closet are shocking sometimes... there are some sick people out there.

   I think Words with Friends... should really be called... Scrabble with Cheaters!

   Officer the only reason I'm speeding is because I'm late...and stopping me for 15 minutes to give me a ticket is only going to make me speed even more!

   I listen better to people when they make sense... or better yet... Dollars...

   I'm bad kinda in sentences at words order the right putting in.

   Let's face it, if St. Paddy's Day wasn't about getting completely sh*tfaced, we'd be celebrating it in the same manner we celebrate Arbor Day. (Shaddap! That's funny!)

   When I was a kid squirt guns were my favorite toy... Now I'm an adult and making women squirt is my favorite thing. I guess some things never change!

   I hate to call it "one night stands." I prefer "auditions."

   If life gives you sh!t, proudly take it and fertelize your hopes and dreams.