Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stoners make better...uh..wait...nah.....slower..yeah...stoners make slower lovers

   Apparently, the answer to WWJD is ……hire Peyton Manning.

   just because I peed my pants doesnt mean I was scared...it just means I sneezed real hard just before you 'tried' to scare me

   I hate when couples say "I love you." after just a week of dating. Ignorant fools. Makes me want to slap them in the face.

   Me seek revenge? Nah, I don't stoop that low. I'm just gonna sit here and let karma run it's course ;)

   Dares you to go outside, throw a rock at your car and yell "LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR STATE FARM IS THERE!"

   Tim Tebow may love Jesus, but it's pretty apparent that Jesus is NOT a Tebow fan.

   ‎"Denver needed Peyton Manning because Tim Tebow has tossed more dirtballs than a Hooters bouncer."

   I did 10 one arm push-ups this morning, I was trying to get up off of the floor without putting down my beer.

   Normal Detroit people are probably pretty embarrassed being linked to "Hardcore Pawn"

   The meanest thing you can ever do to a blind person is leave a plunger in the toilet.

   A synonym is a word you use when you can't remember how to spell the other word.

   Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.

   The worst thing about dating a dragon with a girl tattoo is how I would never shut up about it.

   Hey astronauts, find something with eyeballs or don't come back. Enough is enough.

   I want to go to Australia so I can wear shorts with a cowboy hat yet remain straight.

   It's a Good thing Tim Tebow is a mobile Quarterback because Denver is gonna move his Ass out.

   I did 10 one arm push-ups this morning, I was trying to get up off of the floor this without putting down my beer.

   Hard to believe we once all had phones physically attached to a wall. When it rang we'd pick it up without knowing who was calling… And it did not send or receive text messages... How Amazing! We all survived those times and we're still alive…

   If you don't think anyone loves you or cares about you, gimme me a call...I'll confirm that for you! (The Confirmation Service, 1-800-I-CONFIRM)