Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've signed up to be a ghostwriter when I die

   It's been years since I've had to use "the Schwartz"

   I found a typo on these Fruit Loops. For the serving size it says 3/4 "cup." They totally spelled "box" wrong.

   If we're all "God's Children"....why is Jesus so special?

   still waiting for the "cabbage explosion".

   Bobby Brown has a movie deal and a book about his life called "Higher than a muthafker".

   I'm having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions.

   I need new Haters, the old ones are starting to like me.

   when you go to the doctor & he wants to shake your hand, do you wonder what he did to his last patient with that hand & if he washed it before shaking yours?

   in this day and age, slow and steady dont win anything...nitrous induced breakneck speed and partial mental instability wins the race...

   Tiger Woods fired his caddie today. I guess he'll have to wash his own balls and polish his own putter now.

   The Dough boy died of a yeast infection. He's survived by his wife Jayne & daughter, Dill Dough. Services to be held at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

   A good rich old lady with a terminal illness is so hard to find these days...

   Man arrested after calling 911 three times to request a hooker. In his defense, the term "police escort" is kind of vague.

   Women over 200 pounds with a visible thong should have to register as sex offenders.

   I have a new doctor. He wanted to check my prostate and I told him that I don't do that on the first appointment.

   Tithing - Money is the root to all evil ... enough said.

   I just misspelled a word so badly,, that autocorrect shut my phone off and gave me explosive diarrhea.

   My update for the week. See you next week.

   Baby Shirt Idea: Did 9 months in solitary confinement