Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The better person you become, the better person you will attract.

   If a Chinese student knows more English than you do in terms of punctuation and grammar....you're screwed.

   there have been about 514 leap years since Ceaser created it in 45BC. Without the extra day every 4 years today would be July 28th, 2013. Also, the Mayan calendar did not account for leap year....so technically the world should have ended 7 months ago.

   I was watching Dexter earlier. Man he's come a long way. It's amazing how he kills all those people without his old Laboratory.

   does anybody use typewriter still?

   Confucious says, man who fingers girl on period gets caught red handed.

   Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.

   Just watched a clip of Jersey Shore... Now my eye's have chlamydia.

   Your magnetic bracelet is causing me to have negative thoughts about you.

   I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.

   If anyone ever tells you “Good Luck in your future endeavors” It's just a polite way to say “Go ███████ Your self!” :P

   will drink responsibly when someone names a brand of alcohol “Responsibly.”

   lowercase letters: just like UPPERCASE letters, but without all the demand for attention

   can't stand my broom on the end, becuase my wife won't stop flyin around on it long enough

   My Bologna only needs a first name... I think a second name only confuses everything...

   Because it's Monday, I'll go ahead and tell you what the funniest thing is the world is: A fat guy falling down his last 3 stairs, while farting. Glad no one was here.

   Monday Morning. Kind of woke up needing Viola Davis to tell me you is kind you is smart you is important.

   A baggage carousel is the least fun carousel ever.

   You know how sometimes you accidentally drop food on the floor and eat it anyways? I just did that with soup

   Anytime a bird takes a crap on my car, I eat an entire plate of scrambled eggs on my porch. Just to show the birds what I'm capable of.