Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

   Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie

   Its the love of money thats the root of all evil you retard get your facts straight..

   Besides me & Bryan Adams who else remembers the summer of 69 ?

   its not easy talkin to someone with a zit thats about to blow

   my speedo disappeared under my belly, I look naked....decisions, decisions, either stop swimmin or diet..yeah, no swimming this yr

   just set my alarm for 2013, this year already sucks

   money is the root of all evil, until the collection plate comes around

   not sure I trust my Dr. he seems ok..except for his big red porous gin blossum nose.

   motocross boots...check, full face helmet...check, padded gloves and pants....check, Ginormous Big Wheel..check!

   wearing a bicycle helmet when driving tends to cause gaper delays.

   Stoners make better...uh..wait...nah.....slower..yeah...stoners make slower lovers

   Apparently, the answer to WWJD is ……hire Peyton Manning.

   just because I peed my pants doesnt mean I was scared...it just means I sneezed real hard just before you 'tried' to scare me

   I hate when couples say "I love you." after just a week of dating. Ignorant fools. Makes me want to slap them in the face.

   Me seek revenge? Nah, I don't stoop that low. I'm just gonna sit here and let karma run it's course ;)

   Dares you to go outside, throw a rock at your car and yell "LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR STATE FARM IS THERE!"

   Tim Tebow may love Jesus, but it's pretty apparent that Jesus is NOT a Tebow fan.

   ‎"Denver needed Peyton Manning because Tim Tebow has tossed more dirtballs than a Hooters bouncer."

   I did 10 one arm push-ups this morning, I was trying to get up off of the floor without putting down my beer.