Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Undecided Voters" are the same people who also slow down the line at McDonald's.

   I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

   Good news is,, I got the giraffe to fit in the catapult.. Now who wants to light it on fire?

   I know it's warm outside and spring is in the air BUT if you haven't worked out this winter, please don't dress like it. I see ladies walking around with half shirts looking like half opened cans of biscuits.

   A Hitler 'stache aint cool bro, esp when its just your nose hairs

   Do you know who has a bad sense of direction? This guy. =======>

   Definition of anxiety: half of the time you're worried about the other half of the time.

   scrubbing the barnacles off a bum so my daughter has a date to the prom....being fat aint easy

   Just read that Bill Belichick talked to the Red Sox today. Topic must have been: How to lose to New York.

   Live today like it's your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn't.

   well at least the jets have god on their side now.

   I wonder if Oriental ppl make the "Smiley faces" like this ☞ |-)

   an uneasy feeling drinking from the water fountain by the bathrooms while someone flushes the toilet.

   I hate when I accidentally get married and have 11 children with a woman then realize I dont love her anymore and leave her for my secretary

   Sadly, knowing where the bodies were buried did not save the job of Bob the Grave Digger.

   I was serenading under this chick's window and she still blew me off. Luckily, her grandma was old school. Score!

   I'm a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.

   The entire freak show from the carnival was shopping at walmart and no one noticed....I gave a bearded lady a buck anyway

   I just Googled "Myspace" and google said, "Did you mean FACEBOOK."

   ‎"If you're building a time machine, Take your time. what's the rush?"