Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationship Killers : Insecurity, trust issues, Facebook, Twitter, jealousy, lack of communication, assumptions

   I'm going to bed after a hard day of converting oxygen to carbon dioxide.

   Wow!!! I farted into my iPhone and Siri told me what I had for breakfast.

   I hate when I throw my phone onto my bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.

   When I see your face, there's not a thing I would change .... except the direction I'm walking in.

   What has 15 legs and 9 teeth? The checkout line at Walmart.

   Kony 2012. Great another Republican is joining the race for president.

   I had to fill in some online forms and when I typed in my date of birth out of the sudden al the "meet hot single in your area " changed to " Mature Dating " (",)

   To every girl suffering from many friend request !..............Put ur real picture without makeup as ur profile pic !!

   Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

   My family knows how dangerous my cooking is. Why else would grace last 45 minutes?

   so happy my parents didn't have Facebook when I was a kid.

   Just got some Justin Bieber underwear ..the front says you cry and the back says I cry..!!

   Survivor would be a cooler show if only one contestant remained alive at the end of the season and that was the prize.

   Iron Chef would be a cooler show if the secret theme ingredient were always Cool Ranch Doritos.

   Houston we are ready for lunch -Hilarious NASA launch technician that everyone hates

   I was abducted and anal probed by aliens. Their names were Jose and Ricardo. I'm going to the police.

   I just finished the last of the Girl Scout Thin Mints I've been hoarding. Child labor laws, schmabor laws. Those kids bake a damn good cookie.

   So you watch a 30 minute video and think you're an activist now??? Ha

   I think I'm gonna like "The Lorax" because it's the only movie that I can say... "I already read the book"