Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have inside jokes with complete strangers....

   Some people are worth holding on to. Some people are worth letting go. Most people are just a waste of space.

   The best things to laugh at are the things deep down we know we shouldn't be........ 

   Snooki sugned a deal to sell her own perfume. I'm totally gonna buy it because I want to smell like Jager and illiteracy.

   Success is 'high fiving' the blinking hand after you've crossed the street.

   I believe aliens are real. If I didn't, I would seriously question my mental health cuz SOMEBODY'S been mowing my lawn on a weekly basis.

   I got the moves like Jagger! I got the moves like Jagger! I got the...oh, here's the bathroom.

   Don't you hate when you buy a bag of air and you find some chips in it?

   What do you get the girl who has everything? A round of antibiotics is probably a good place to start.

   Someone really, really needs to tell Gramma this planking thing was just a fad.

   I was sitting here trying to collect my thoughts, then I realized I don't have any.

   If you don't like bacon, you should be on a government watch list.

   just discovered an addictive app, see y'all in 2015

   Anyone want to be friends with benefits? Like we'll give each other rides to the airport and help each other move but still be just friends.

   If you have a problem with me, text me. If you don't have my number than that means you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me

   It's been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a cockroach move out. "Good luck," he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases.

   When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you've been doing since you were 16.

   Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.

   When 2 people are meant for each other- they stupidly get married!!!!!!!!!!!!

   My turn ons are only a light switch away.