Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I'm going to be too busy sitting on mine.

   My friend complained that the place she's housesitting didn't have a corkscrew, but I found it in .02 seconds, for I...am a Booze Whisperer.

   A study has shown that 1/3 men in Maine suffer from erectile dysfunction. But looking at 1/3 women in Maine I'm not f*cking surprised.

   Every time I get drunk I end up doing something stupid. My girlfriend for instance...

   Never trust a rabbit or a duck,,, if you want to find out which hunting season it is.

   TMZ just reported that Stephen Hawking and Siri are now officially dating.

   Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It just means that you found the right medication.

   The desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man.

   Skype Conversations: 5% Hey, how are you? 95% CAN YOU HEAR ME?!?!

   Your legs must be sore ..cause you've been stomping my dreams for years.

   The fire department will hang up on you if you are reporting a disco inferno.

   You know those people that totally screw up their lives when they win the lottery? I would like to be one of those people.

   I have to give a speech next week about the link between anxiety and insomnia, I have been up all night thinking about it.

   Lil Wayne Engaged, Wiz Khalifa Engaged, Snooki Pregnant & Engaged.... Everybody got a ring but Lebron.

   Let's start checking & accounting accounts together. Ha, Right!

   I still think The Hunger Games would be better with the characters from Glee fighting to the death.

   MY New neighbor just moved here from FarmVille. Keeps asking for help with EVERYTHING.

   eHarmony just said my only compatible match is a bottle of wine and a frozen pizza.

   I didn't get any sleep! I'm so tired I could sleep with a horse... wait

   If I could be anything in the world I would want to be a teardrop because I would be born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.