Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just had a nowhere near death experience. It was completely life continuing.

   Try explaining the Biggest Loser to Ethopians: "See we have soo much food we actually have a contest to see who can stop eating so much of it!" ...

   Please be alert and help if you can! Every year many children leave their homes going to Mime School and are never heard from again! Please speak up for these silent victims!

   I like to do nothing for people. Then when they say " Thanks for nothing", I say It was the least I could do.

   Some say I have the body of a 60 year old man, others say I have the body of a 13 year old girl. All I can say is, The police found nothing!

   If you love someone, set them fee. If they don't come back, call them up later when you're drunk.

   Kiss her neck… She'll rip your clothes off.

   I need a drink, a woman, or a massage… or a drunken massage by a woman.

   I want to explore every inch and curve or your anatomy; I want to become fluent in YOUR body language.

   Sex bruises are good bruises!

   I asked the attendant for 5 bucks worth of gas, so he farted and gave me a receipt!!

   Today, I realized that Mario is definitely homeless. He wakes up every day wearing the same clothes, runs around in sewers, beats up people for their money, and what does he spend it on? Mushrooms.

   Ladies, if a man doesn't answer your "What are you doing tonight?" text till it's already night time, you're Plan B.

   A guy is watching TV and suddenly Yells, "Dont enter that church you fool!" His wife asks him, "What are you watching?" "OUR WEDDING!"

   If Friday ever came up missing... than more than likely Monday had something to do with it!

   ladies just so you know when you are wearing yoga pants all we are looking at is the outline of your pu$$y..

   There are some days when I just really do not want to wake up early and go to work. I call these days Monday - Friday.

   When a woman puts on a low cut shirt, she's basically saying she wants to win all arguments for the day.

   There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.

   My plan for getting out of work tomorrow relies heavily on two of my best skills--lying and tampering with fire extinguishers.