Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   TIP: A quick way to get your kids out of bed is to go in their room and shout, "What the Heck?!! There are deer in our backyard!! "

   My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.

   Now that I have the Facebook timline it looks like I didn't exist before 2009, when, in fact, that's when I stopped existing!

   Karl Marx was wrong,, Religion is not the opiate of the masses... Facebook is.. Also Angry Birds...and Draw Something

   When my teenage son needs a lesson in humility I take him to the grocery store and make him go in and buy toilet paper, tampons, Preparation H, Vagisil and anti-diarrhea medication and make him pay for it with change.

   I didnt win the mega millions. But if you did I LOVE YOU!

   Look you asked me to be your child's Godfather so don't get pissed at me because I taught him how to break knees and collect debts.

   Had a mishap while making coffee just now that is best explained through interpretive dance...

   We have a lot of children living on our street, so I try to caution speeders by bouncing an old tricycle off their windshield.

   I knew that the reality TV show Survivor was a sham the minute I noticed that the women still had smooth legs and arm pits after day 6.

   I listen to the first 30 seconds of an accidental butt dial like I'm in an FBI van.

   Irony = Someone posting a status about how broke they are and at the bottom of their post it says: 8 minutes ago via iPad2

   Decided to have an Easter egg hunt this year. The golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. Who said we were too old for Easter?!?

   Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.

   Suggestion for Mark Zuckerberg: When someone defriends me on Facebook, a picture of my bare ass pops up on their screen.

   Come on down! You're the next contestant on STFU!

   If ANY OF YOU were to invite me to come over and hang out inside of your pillow fort all day, I would be there - with booze.

   Hey, Facebook ticker, I don't need to know which Yahoo articles my friends have read. What's next, a detailed report of what everyone Googles in real time? No thank you!

   Some people deserve to get eggs thrown at them. Brick shaped eggs....made of bricks.

   So. I don't see you for months and now you pop up and expect me to take care of you?? OK, fine. I'll start up the mower....stupid grass...