Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women are never happy are they? I make her bacon and eggs in bed and all she can say is, "Get that f-kin cooker back downstairs now!"

   Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of water. You don't hear them asking for 5 pounds a month.

   Amazing to think that I was once a helpless little baby but now I'm a giant helpless man

   Sad thing about the Twitter and Facebook youth = Draw Something lasted longer than #Kony2012 

   stayed awake to watch the Daylight Savings countdown, and still up from all the excitement. #TheyDidntDropABall

   Announcer: You've been married for 50 years? Do you have any tips for the ones to be married next. Old guy: It helps if your deaf.

   a single chest hair doesn't mean you're grown. if you have to write how manly you are, you're not manly

   You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

   If steroids are illegal for athletes, shouldn't Photoshop be illegal models?

   LIKE if you text someone a paragraph and then 30 minutes later you get a lame reply saying “LOL”.

   Odds are there is someone who is your “Facebook Friend” that you absolutely cannot stand and the only reason you keep them on your list is to watch their slow untimely demise.

   “LOL” is the new way of saying “I really have nothing to say.”

   Three things that shouldn't be broken : friendships, hearts and promises.

   “They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.

   Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.

   LIKE IF you put things in a safe place and then forget where the safe place is.

   Yea, I end a Facebook conversation by hitting the (LIKE) button on the last comment.

   the only "kony" I'm supporting is the one that goes in my mouth.

   A teacher, once said, that, I overused commas. What she didn't understand, at all, was that I was writing, like Christopher Walken speaks.

   HOW LONG IS THIS DORITOS COMMERCIAL!? Grandma, that's just Jersey Shore...