Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need to start saving all my ideas for statuses in a Word Document titled "Read This at My Wake" cuz I would just lay there in my coffin and laugh as everyone got up and walked out.

   We live in America where a girl threw flour on Kim Kardashian and was arrested on site. But the man who killed Trayvon Martin is still free.

   every 5 seconds, somewhere on this planet a woman gives birth to a child. I think! We must find this woman and stop her.

   Saw a fat bird at the self checkout in ASDA today. She scanned an item and it started beeping 'Unexpected item in baggage area' - Salad.

   I just had a nowhere near death experience. It was completely life continuing.

   Try explaining the Biggest Loser to Ethopians: "See we have soo much food we actually have a contest to see who can stop eating so much of it!" ...

   Please be alert and help if you can! Every year many children leave their homes going to Mime School and are never heard from again! Please speak up for these silent victims!

   I like to do nothing for people. Then when they say " Thanks for nothing", I say It was the least I could do.

   Some say I have the body of a 60 year old man, others say I have the body of a 13 year old girl. All I can say is, The police found nothing!

   If you love someone, set them fee. If they don't come back, call them up later when you're drunk.

   Kiss her neck… She'll rip your clothes off.

   I need a drink, a woman, or a massage… or a drunken massage by a woman.

   I want to explore every inch and curve or your anatomy; I want to become fluent in YOUR body language.

   Sex bruises are good bruises!

   I asked the attendant for 5 bucks worth of gas, so he farted and gave me a receipt!!

   Today, I realized that Mario is definitely homeless. He wakes up every day wearing the same clothes, runs around in sewers, beats up people for their money, and what does he spend it on? Mushrooms.

   Ladies, if a man doesn't answer your "What are you doing tonight?" text till it's already night time, you're Plan B.

   A guy is watching TV and suddenly Yells, "Dont enter that church you fool!" His wife asks him, "What are you watching?" "OUR WEDDING!"

   If Friday ever came up missing... than more than likely Monday had something to do with it!

   ladies just so you know when you are wearing yoga pants all we are looking at is the outline of your pu$$y..