Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "This movie has been formatted from it's original version to fit this screen." How in the Hell do they know how big my TV is?!

   Racism is for lazy people who don't take the time to learn enough about someone to dislike them for a much better reason.

   Sometimes I think my dog is only interested in food, then I realise that's mostly all I'm interested in as well. He's alright.

   Daylight savings during a leap year means I still have 23 hours of day equity left..

   Was just about to pump iron but then I thought, "Does a rose need to wear perfume?"

   My parents told me I couldn't be a pirate when I grew up. My movie and music collection says otherwise.

   I slept late because DST time is back. That's 'cause it's really 10:35. No, I guess it's really 11:35, but it's 10:35, but it really is...well it's 11:36 now because I've gone on and on about what the time really is.

   I wish that I would get a popup for "possible virus" when I meet new girls.

   I got arrested today for feeding some homeless guys on the street, and to top it all off, the cops broke my potato gun.

   Next time you're in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.

   Muffins are just ugly cupcakes

   People use the term "awkward conversation" like there's any other kind.

   We started at around 1:45am and stopped around 3:15am. She was impressed. Thanks Daylight Savings Time!

   The movie Project X sucked it was nothing like the original with Matthew Broderick and Helen Hunt

   Oh, to have you next to me in the morning. Your soothing warmth, your intensity, your comfort. I need to get a Mr. Coffee for my nightstand.

   Yesterday someone gave me a piece of "humble pie''.....Mine tastes better.

   Boy 1: My Dads harder than your Dad! Boy 2: No way my Dads harder than your Dad! Boy 3: Why are both your Dads naked in the playground?

   My wife got in the shower with me this morning. She said "Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me". So I put shampoo in her eyes.

   I now count my girlfriend as my best friend. It used to be Dave but he won't suck my c*ck.

   I've got a huge tip for people with lots of rubbish.