Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   3 reasons why I'm single… Can't date food, can't date celebs, and I can't date the internet.

   I don't care how old you are, When you see a balloon about to hit the floor, you dive too stop that sh*t.

   Why do we use our blankets as shields at night? Like is the monster gonna be like ” oh crap…..they have a blanket..RRRUUUUNNN!!!!”

   treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag!

   And now I must perform the nightly ritual where I use "floss" to purify my gums of their excess blood

   Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.

   When I'm bored nobody texts me. When I'm busy I'm the most popular person on the planet.

   #CoinStar is guaranteed walk of shame for $10 bucks

   what happened to all the good girls nowadays ? it's like looking water in the desert .

   I find it hard to believe that America is running anywhere on Dunkin'.

   This weekend I got so drunk, my shadow is now in a baby stroller drooling

   Chocolate lovers are thinner, study says. Obviously they did not contact me.

   The last time I tried to just "be myself" I almost got submitted to a Mental Institute.

   If my life ever flashes before my eyes, it will just be me sitting around crying.

   I'm pretty sure my reasoning skills are defective

   I think Michael Bay is trying to ruin my childhood. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are NOT aliens!

   All I need to know is, listening to your girlfriend with both the ears open is multitasking right?

   I've finally collected enough rats asses to give to everyone on my list.

   if I stop using smileys , dude you're in trouble

   Would be a good day to golf but the old trick knee is acting up from the injuries I sustained in my college years as a star quarterback.