Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're 14 and quitting smoking? How Inspiring.

   "Tickets." — me (when other people get on the elevator)

   I needs some skittles and a yoohoo

   If you ever laugh so hard that your ass actually comes off, sh!t probably stops being funny real quick.

   That new survey says that 33 is the happiest age but somehow I think Jesus and John Belushi might disagree.

   Girl just asked me to talk dirty so I described the space behind my fridge.

   Eskimos have 49 words in their language to describe snow because they have so much of it. In the English language there are over 50 words to describe a moron.

   After finally finding a calculator and doing the math I will be able to pay off my debts at the age of 127...

   How come it seems like every woman is wrong until she starts crying... Then she magically becomes right?

   If I could put one thing in the U.S. Constitution, it would be "In order to wear Yoga Pants, one must have a Yoga Body."

   What's the best way to staple someone's face to their desk and make it look like an accident?

   I'm at the bank depositing my nickel and dime bags... I told them I'll be back later with my papers... to open a joint account. :)

   "Spike Lee tweets wrong address forcing elderly couple out of their home!" Nice going Dum A$$!

   Dear sleep, I know we had our problems when I was young... but I love you now.

   I'm having an identity crisis... I can't afford to be me... Can I be you? You're cheaper.

   This morning when I awoke I rolled over, smiled at the beauty that was there beside me , gazed into those beautiful brown eyes and said, "Good Morning Sexy." I knew it was a good idea to install that mirror by the bed.

   I don't understand why Aardvarks are so special to the Muslims in the middle east.

   You're welcome. Not sure what for yet, but I'm bound to say something awesome that'll make your day sooner or later.

   I am going shopping today. Well, I don't wanna go but this girl I'm stalking is on her way there so I have no choice.

   #1 thing to do today: Run into a store and ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell "It worked!!!" and run out cheering.