Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do you know you're allergic to cats if you've never even tasted one?

   I just checked. There are no restraining orders against you. There's no reason you can't attend church!!!!

   If you're a polygamist married to several women and dont have a wedding ring that says, "One ring to rule them all." You're just wasting everybody's time.

   farting in a plastic bag and selling it to kids

   Well, Jimmy Crack corn..... and you guessed it.

   Trying to find my happy place again... but.... I may not find it, 'cause guys don't ask for directions.

   Beware of women who have had enough BS and no longer care about the consequences of their actions!

   The most significant change brought about in the 2ist century is the decline of photographers and photography studios. They've both been replaced.... By camera phones and bathrooms.

   Fun fact: If you say 'Bloody Maury' into the mirror three times, you WILL be the father

   Petrol prices are about $2 a litre and Ladies still think guys are coming over to just "CHILL"...

   I bet when Snooki's water breaks, it's gonna smell like someone smashed a bottle of Axe Body Spray on the ground.

   May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.

   I'm hungry. Fridge: I don't give a s#it. Cabinet: Bi$ch, don't look at me. Freezer: LOL. You like ice?

   Surprise sex is the best sex. Unless you're in prison.

   I'm going to change my name to 'Benefits' Now when you add me on Facebook it will say "You are now friends with benefits."

   There's "hell" in hello and there's "good" in goodbye. I don't know what that means, but think about it.

   what starts with F and ends with UCK? Yes you're right, it's FIRETRUCK :)

   Forty percent of sports fans leave games with alcohol in their blood, according to the dumbest study ever conducted.

   my Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

   I'm never buying video games from Mexican websites again. Super Mario Van Peebles is the worst game I've ever played.