Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.

   If she high-five you after sex...marry her on the spot.

   Oh so your boyfriend cheated on you? But how is every other man on this planet responsible for it?

   Maybe that's why Jada left Will...I think she knows Pac is comin' back

   Oh is it really raining outside? Please post a status update for all of us with no windows.

   Oh you don't like me? You should tell your 10 Twitter followers. That'll show me.

   Taking my Mother-in-Law swimming off the western coast of Australia

   It was earth hour last night at 8:30. I turned everything off for an hour, couldn't see a damn thing...so I built a tire fire for some light. Still trying to put it out.

   A teacher asks Johnny to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. He says, "My sisters sweater has 9 buttons but her boobs are so big, so can only fasten eight!"

   Don't bother flirting with a girl on fb who has no pics posted of herself. You'd be better off with your face buried in Randy Jackson's a$$ all night, than to go on a date with her.

   I bet all the girls from other planets think the Miss Universe contest is rigged.

   I'm joking about 90% of the time & the other 10% is me being condescending.. Do I need to explain the difference to you?

   Ghetto Word Of The Day: COLOGNE. Usage: "You think you cologne me a dollar?"

   I don't hate you. I just hope your next period happens in a shark tank! (".)

   Why would I want to bore you with silence, when I can annoy you with small talk?

   good joke today...single people change ur realtionship status to "in a relation". when friends ask who it is say "april....April Fools"

   I am taking a shot for every "like" I get on this status. Then again, I'm taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.

   Turned on all the lights, fired up the wood stove and heater, flushed the toilets and ran the water excessively. Did my part for Earth Day.

   If werewolves lived on the moon, would they be werewolves 24/7

   Me??? Oh, just replanting these carrots and onions... We're catch-and-release vegetarians.