Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Glad to know that Google & Bing are the surrogate parents of this generation & can answer all the uncomfortable questions

   Ke$ha looks like she leaves tampons in for dangerous stretches of time.

   Found someone's soft contact lens in my car. Let me know if you lost one. It might also be a raisin.

   Vacations are a great way to spend thousands of dollars to stare at your phone in exotic locations.

   Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating my mutt for hours and she still won't tell me who's a good girl..

   Dude don't tell me what's off limits!,It's not like I got your sister pregnant!!

   23% of households today have a "new" roll of toilette paper sitting on the empty roll.

   I'm going to get "Poor Decision Maker" tattooed on my face.

   I wish I had a Strategic Beer Reserve to tap into.

   Countries should have to declare thumb war before declaring actual war.

   I bet pyromaniacs were jonesing pretty bad before that first caveman figured out how to make fire.

   Drop and iphone on the floor: break the screen. Drop an old Nokia on the floor: break the floor

   I didnt take care of something this morning...now its prarie dog season!

   I proposed to myself at a restaurant last night and not a single person clapped... heartless b@stards!

   If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

   Words don't have the power to hurt you...unless.. the person saying them means a lot to you.

   Don't confuse your path with your destination. Just because it's stormy now doesn't mean you aren't headed for sunshine.

   Teeth are always in style!

   you know....I like my men like my Rum: Gone in the morning....

   Just saw an ad on my homepage that read, "Like Writing About Beards? Search For Careers Now!" - because if there's one thing we're really lacking right now, it's freelance beard writers.