Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My fantasy is having two men at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.

   If I win the lottery, all of my neighbors are going to be rich!!! I'm going to move to a rich neighborhood!

   When I win the Mega-Millions, I'm going to buy so many dishes, pans and silverware That I never have to wash them again, just use them once and throw them away.

   I was hanging around after one of the local field meets last night when I decided to try my hand at pole vaulting. Let me tell ya, if you're ever looking for a guy to make two small poles out of one big one, I'm your man.

   I get made fun of sometimes for being an ole dumb country boy but let me ask you something, when the economy finally falls what's gonna be more important to know? How to plant a garden, fish and hunt or knowing what then fancy opera singers is ah sayin?

   The liquor store. The dollar store. The court house. Top three places where you hope no one notices you.

   If the shoe fits, shove it further up their ass.

   You know I can think of two... no, three things that really irritate the f*ck out of me... make that four... ok five.... f*ck it... there's like 10 now!

   My co-worker seems to think I need anger management classes... I don't know I think he just needs shut the f*ck up classes.

   It's national cleavage day. Let's honor this holiday ladies.....

   I want a woman with dreams, plans and ambition. Not a girl on a breeding mission!

   Girl with 3 dogs: committed owner. Girl with 3 cats: committed lunatic.

   Dog's diary = me and my master played all day! Cat's diary = day 154 of captivity.

   I reckon that Adele and Drake were hurt by the same man.

   I just went to go visit Miss Cleo in prison so she could give me the winning mega million numbers. For five easy payments of $ 10 million dollars you too can have the numbers.

   Depending on whether I win the Mega Millions..... I'll either be having my birthday party this year at the Space Station or the local VFW. Standby

   Typically I'm not a fan of floors, but feed me plenty of Jack Daniels and I'm all about em!

   All you need is love. But a little booze now and then doesn't hurt.

   Dont you hate when a really fat guy wears a tight sweater and you can see the huge outline of his belly button. The diameter is large enough to fit a can of Pringles snugly in place.

   I MISS MY GIRLFRIEND SO MUCH!!!!! Can someone please tell me If the lettuce goes over, or under the ham!