Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now I have to buy a new jersey for my nativity baby Jesus

   When a girl says, "you have to watch this it's sooo funny, it made me pee my pants"-- I know I'm in for 2 minutes of suck.

   My bank has this cool feature, whenever I want; they send me a text message with my balance. I do however think the “LOL” is really unnecessary……

   Z.T.Z.I. = Zero Tolerance for Zero Intelligence

   Rosie O'Donnell fired again from a talk-show, for the 4th time. Time to quit attempts at being so serious and go back to fat lesbian stand-up comedy.

   Janitors carry a lot of keys...too bad one of those isn't the Key to Success.

   I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

   You're as useless as pants on a hooker.

   Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks what is wrong with you.

   When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. I've learned from experience that if they're open, pepper spray gets into them.

   Alcoholism is not a disease.........it's a goal!

   Sorry Tebow. God likes Peyton more.

   Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, "I thought you were peeing?"

   Guns don't kill people. Oh wait. I guess they do. Sorry for doubting you, guns!

   Ohhhhhh , when your's down near the sea and an eel bites your knee....Thats a MORAY

   My Grandpa is so good at planking. He's been laying there on the golf course since Thursday.

   Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

   R.I.P. the Best Guitarist that ever lived... Randy Rhoads

   For Sale: authentic Tim Tebow Broncos Jersey...'Like New' condition, Will negotiate a trade (no pun intended) asking 5$ OBO

   I've signed up to be a ghostwriter when I die