Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I sit for 5 minutes laughing at my own tweet.. Then read it to my wife who looks at me in confusion...

   Praise be unto Jesus,, owned so epically on the Cross so that we may not be similarly Owned & who on the 3rd day turned Epic Fail to epic Win

   When I am in an extra big hurry I take a "Doc Bath" and rub each nipple with a wet Certs.

   I think I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. My liver might have just started waving the white flag.

   It's been 18 years since Kurt Cobain died in case you were waiting for his corpse to become legal.

   My favorite Easter tradition is when Uncle Gary starts giving everyone Stone Cold Stunners a half hour after the deviled eggs are gone.

   And on the third day God created the beach,, so every 70's rock band would have a place to shoot their album cover.

   I opened up a can of coke and it said, "Sorry, you didn't win". I didn't even know I was playing, yet I was still disappointed.

   Someone has stolen my wife's knickers off the washing line.............. They can keep the knickers but, please, bring back the 28 pegs.

   Just a thought: Do Muslims write OMA instead of OMG?

   When I get down on my kness, its NOT to pray. - Madonna

   Thumbs up if you still kicking it old skool without the timeline........

   ate too many easter eggs...now I got the squirts!!

   I'm tired of boiled eggs so I'm hiding scrambled eggs this year.

   Whenever somebody ask me what's my favorite movie or song, that's exactly the moment when I forget every f*cking movie or song I've ever come across in my whole life!

   Boil an egg and put in on a plate in front of a kid and they will gag... Color it blue and put stripes on it and hide it in the sand box and they will fist fight over it..

   I'm almost finished producing my "Tickle Me Emo" doll. When you tickle it... it says "My life sucks," "I need more black hair dye" and..... these pants aren't tight enough. I just need to stop it from cutting the box it comes in, before it's sold.

   My ole lady needs a TEMPER-pedic mattress cause she keeps waking up on the wrong side of the bed. :/

   If people came with warning labels they wouldn't be too much different than drug labels: May cause drowsiness, persistent headaches, may reduce the urge to live..... If symptoms persist apply the nearest foot to their ass.

   The creator of Marhall amplifiers just passed away. I was surprised he was still alive. I thought he only went to '11...