Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Turns out the guy I hired to be my life coach is actually a swimming coach, which explains why he kept wanting me to wear a Speedo.

   My 3 year old already has better handwriting than me

   I'm so broke my nervous breakdown is on layaway.

   Hey,, When I was young I had to Post stuff manually... Barefoot in the snow,,, uphill both ways....... And I was GRATEFULL

   If I was homeless I would dress up as a Coinstar machine and just sit there.

   I hate it when couples have a little argument and the girlfriend changes her Facebook status to 'single'.I mean, I have arguments with my parents all the time, you don't see me changing my status to 'orphan'.

   I just peed so hard I laughed a little.

   I hear screaming. That is the last time I buy duct tape at the dollar store.

   Looking at boobs make men live longer, that's why some women don't like it when we look at them.

   Lebron Hairline Don't Respect Him

   Y.O.C.O. = You're Only Cute Online

   I wear a mouthguard while I sleep. I don't grind my teeth, I just have a lot of enemies.

   Its a damn pity that when someone says, "Imma get mine," usually they're not talking about a diploma.

   Dear Chubby Chasers. Lucky for you, they're not hard to catch.

   I hope you had a better Good Friday than Jesus did.

   My GF did something last night with her mouth that all men love. She shut it.

   Christianity is a complete waste of time and resources.

   Just won the lotto but can't find my ticket

   OH MY LORD!! I nearly sat on the toilet without my android...

   I was skeptical at first so I waited to see if the hype was true. And I'll have to say this was a good Friday.......