Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think the use of steroids to grow our food is outta control, my apple has a beard

   THREE LAWS OF SCIENCE: 1. IF IT SMELLS BAD IT'S CHEMISTRY 2. IF ITS MUSHY IT'S BIOLOGY 3.IF IT DOESNT WORK ITS PHYSICS

   I was talkin about Muslins today, my coworkers are confused about the terrorist threats of ugly fabric.....my bad

   I woke up last Friday to find a letter from West Africa in my e-mail. Saturday morning, there was one from Nigeria and today, there was one from Jamacia. I have the feeling I am being black mailed....

   I miss Doo Dads and the little peanuts

   Never compliment a girl on Twitter, she'll reTweet it and make you look thirsty.

   when I grew up, Tebows pose was called...The Thinker

   I know a few women that would be considered very handsome if they were men.

   Really questioning if I was arrested by a real cop, I had to rub my fingers on a newspaper and push em into a glob of silly putty.

   When I jerk off, I hold my pinky out, just in case if someone walks in, I look elegant doing it.

   how much of a procrasinater do you have to be to wait until a tumor is 200 lbs to have it removed

   Dear sweaty bum who sits on the stoop where I work. Clock me in at 6:45 and I promise to be there at noon to buy you a happy meal

   Wanted: A fat, drunk Doctor who smokes and feels my lifestyle is acceptable

   The Subaru Impreza comes with 11 airbags....maybe it would be easier if all cars were just made by nerf

   Clearly, they've run out of reality show ideas, just like hollywood..really? The Three Stooges?

   Oprah needs to admit she's a lesbian trapped in a fat mans body

   Having a back-up plan means your main plan sucks!

   As a driver, I hate pedestrians... as a pedestrian, I hate cars... WTF I'm walking here!

   Sometimes it's better to react with no reaction.

   Has anyone ever tried to lead Sarah Jessica Parker to water?