Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies; Never die a virgin, apparently when you get to heaven they make you shag a suicide bomber.

   I was so drunk when I got in last night that I picked a fight with a mop, wiped the floor with the shaggy-haired b@stard.

   You know you've had a good wank when you have no idea where it landed.

   This is an "A" and "B" conversation so "C" your way out before "D" jumps over "E" and "F"s you up like a "G"

   Yes, us Atheist DO NOT believe in fairy tale characters from thousands of years ago. We let go of yesterday and live for today and tomorrow! We are not slaves to the past and its rules.

   I am Happy my kids are older now. But I do miss running around all night in the Pink Bunny Suit from the Christmas Story on Easter Eve.

   Ok, I wasnt paying Attention this Morning, Did the Darn Easter Bunny See his shadow and do we have 6 more weeks of Winter???

   To the Athiests that use the Lord's name in vein, make up your mind. Do you believe or not?

   going to the church of disneyland where pastor mickey loves everyone UNCONDITIONALLY.

   Having a good vowel movement keeps me from being consonantpated

   My least favorite stage of sleep is "rapid bowel movement".

   Dyed all our eggs green, so its officially a Green eggs and ham day

   Sometimes I put laxatives in my dishwasher to help relax my bowls.

   Easter is the most American holiday because it converts the resurrection of Jesus into the eating of chocolate.

   x² + why +8 [(x + 2y ² = a-z] + 2x ³ + (- 2z = 2. 4) + 10y - 5Z ³= k= 9 is as useful and crucial to my life as Jesus is.

   just waking up... (yawn) So, did Jesus see his shadow when he came out of the cave?

   I cant wait to watch Kristen Stewart's new movie. I hear she has a new facial expression in that one.

   Next time someone presses the elevator button you've already pressed,,, act totally impressed & tell them they did it waaaay better than you.

   Love's redeeming work is done. Fought the fight, the battle won. Death in vain forbids him rise, Christ has opened paradise! Alleluia he is risen

   I'll defend puppies & kittens with my life.. But if your kid's acting like a spoiled brat...I will ABSOLUTELY knock him over when you're not looking.