Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Haters can only hate the things they can't have and the people they can't be.

   Some rude idiot just interrupted my afternoon nap by honking his horn just because the light turned green.

   I'm sick and tired of the games requests on Facebook. If it doesn't stop Imma be forced to play Facebook's Version of "My foot in ya ass."

   Kids growing up today will never know what its like to have no internet, no cell phones, and a whole bunch of pubic hair.

   I'm starting a new fad, it's called Walk the Plank. Basically, whenever you see someone planking, walk on them and then jump off.

   If I am arguing with someone and they say "READ MY LIPS" I slap them in the mouth and tell them my vision is bad so I need large print.

   ****PILOT****

   I hadn't really planned on doing much today. So the little I have done makes me seem like an over achiever! Winning.....

   I went to the blockbuster store... and saw a caveman sitting in the corner trying to make fire by rubbing two VHS tapes together.

   My friend said she thought it was so cute how me and my girlfriend always hold hands. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it's because if I let go she goes shopping.

   My neighbor and I saw a shooting star last night... so we each made wish. Sadly his house burned down, but my wish come true! :)

   Ah...... The irony of the London Olympics being sponsored by McDonald's and Coca - Cola

   I sleep fully clothed for a week after a woman tells me... "Everything's going to be OK."

   ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ Sorry, I just dropped my bag of Doritos.

   I still prefer record albums with scratch sounds a poppin...gives character

   I bought a Dale Earnhart GPS on eBay but it just keeps telling me to turn left. I swear it is starting to drive me up the walls.

   Nothing better than coming home from work, pop open a beer and watch the dog drag a$$ on the carpet.

   I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it.

   While most of my friends played Doctor as a kid, I played Mortician. I didn't have much faith in them being doctors.

   Drinking promotes freedom of speech. Call me tonight and I'll tell what I really think of you!