Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey, look at the bright side... oh I'm sorry, YOU don't have one of those.

   Just caught a woman texting & driving. I hope she knows it's a very big distraction and if a cop saw her she would get charged a very big fine because it is illegal. Anyway, I guess I should pull over and get some gas, starting to run kind of low.

   Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance: the five stages of me getting up every morning!

   does my BEST proofreading right after I hit send!

   It must've been awkward taking a dump during the Hunger Games, knowing that the whole country could potentially be watching you.

   Hey Customer Service - Instead of monitoring this call for quality purposes, how about you just listen to what I need and fix it?!?

   I'm sick of everyone bringing kegs to the parties I throw. What part of Bring Your Own Bacon don't they understand?

   I hate when crumbs fall down your cleavage.....sometimes I think my boobs eat more than I do

   Whenever I have a truck driver call me asking for directions I just start making sh*t up. I still wonder if that guy ever found Kaka Street.

   When it comes to friends...I'd rather have four quarters than one hundred pennies.

   Relationships are a two way street navigated by women who are backseat drivers and men who refuse to use maps.

   I've given up begging my girlfriend to swallow. From now on, she can deal with her anorexia on her own.

   A good date ends with dinner. An excellent date ends with breakfast.

   If you`re texting two people at the same time, you are biTextual...

   NERD FLIRTING: "I wish I could select all of you clothes & press delete."

   Teacher Johnny: Use the word HARASSMENT in a Sentence... Johnny: I was in Love with a girl and.. Her-ass-meant a lot to me

   My friends and I used to get high on gas vapour, but we now just smoke crack, it's cheaper.

   My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.

   Woman's Logic: Bikini - No problem. Bra and underwear: - OMG DON'T LOOK!!!

   Atleast Kanye let Kris Humphries finish...