Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Superpower is always picking a shopping cart with "the one crapped-up wheel" ..... Anyone wanna help me design a costume?

   Dear Facebook, thanks for reminding me why moving away from my hometown was the best decision ever.

   Apple was considering making an iPod for kids but apparently, the name 'iTouch Kids' didn't sit too well

   Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But SHOUT it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing

   1:00pm *Hears noise* "Hmm I wonder what that was..." 1:00am *Hears noise* "OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO BE MURDERED!"

   This beer tastes like I'm not waking up until the afternoon.

   We all have that friend that acts innocent, but is very naughty

   The annoying moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you're watching.

   Why post a picture on Facebook with the caption 'OMG I'm sooooooo ugly or fat' and then get annoyed when I agree?

   Facebook is the leading cause to cell phone battery deaths.

   Ghetto pronunciation: Bathroom = Baafrumm, Refrigerator = Fridgerataa, Remote = Moken Troll.

   Women drivers are like stars in the sky. You can see them, but they can't see you.

   can I see your license and registration meow?

   Pretty soon people will be saying, "You were born in the 1900's?"

   I wonder how people would react if I walked into Sea World with a fishing pole.

   My parents used to be happy when I took naps but now they think I'm lazy.

   I bet procrastinating serial killers wait until today to buy their hockey masks.

   I go to your page because I miss you, then regret it because of what I see.

   Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.

   The most ordinary things are made extraordinary, simply by doing them with the right people...