Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Patient.

   The ‘L' in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F'.

   10% of car thieves are left handed. All polar bears are left handed. So there's a 10% chance that a polar bear took your car.

   Back in my day we went to the bathroom to use it, not take a picture of yourself...

   I bet Ke$ha could change her name to 'WhiteTra$ha' and no one would ever know the difference.

   How come if you eat two cookies you gain 3 lbs. Then when you take a major dump, you don't lose anything?

   I'll be a team player when I get paid like a damn pro athlete.

   Insanity doesn't RUN in my family. It just STROLLS around, taking it's sweet time....

   BREAKING NEWS: Gingrich Quits Race to Join Secret Service

   The best revenge is to show them that your life is getting better after they're gone

   "Dude she just called you DEAF! " "What? " " She called you deaf !! " " Oh hell no, my name is NOT BETH "

   Dear woman who likes to bring her friends along on our first date. You are simply giving me more options just in case I am not feeling you.

   Evidently I was the designated drinker tonight. I rode on a Harley to the party, but I arrived home in a Subaru.

   Full disclosure: I don't actually know the back of my hand all that well.

   I think we all need to get on the same page. I'm on page 69.

   Can we just be honest about something: when is ziti ever not baked?

   Remember, nothing you do will be remembered.

   Am I the only way that amuses myself completely by barking at my dogs thru the paper towel tube?

   My wife is going to get a big surprise when she tries to sleep in tomorrow.... I superglued a thumbtack to the snooze button.

   shout out to all of the crips that's stopped at a red light right now.