Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.

   You drink a lot. You use crude language. You have low morals. You're exactly what I'm looking for in a friend!

   Getting a hard-on is the only way I can get my wife to leave me alone.

   We hate what we do not understand. I'm not really sure what that phrase means, but it's stupid!

   If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.

   I always eat at McDonald's when they do the Monopoly pieces. 1 in 4 wins obesity.

   I don't get why everyone told me how great it is to swim with dolphins. I've been stuck in this tuna net for five days.

   Male excuses: 1. I forgot 2. I didn't know 3. I wasn't sure 4. What?

   With "Slim T's" t-shirts Man has finally perfected the Wifebeater-girdle.

   Guys, if I'm singing a show tune with my pants around my ankles, that means I'm occupying at least three urinals, okay? Don't be creepy!

   At 24 Hour Fitness. Trying to get them to stay open an extra hour so I can really take things to the next level.

   Took 2 benedryl last night. When I woke up, my best friend was missing, and Mike Tyson's tiger was in my bathroom.

   You have to be one thing or the other because if you're always about to be something then you're nothing.

   Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish all a Happy Saturday!

   hi say 2 wanted just I that out find you when irritating very it find may you... CONFUSED?? Now read it backwards..

   Rose are red, Violets are blue, Babe you're single, Cause I am dumping you.

   Ladies: Before you marry a guy, ask yourself, "will he be a good killing partner during the zombie apocalypse?"

   if I could find a way to implement my voice ignition system with my micro-filament omni directional jet grid and combine it with an anti gravity quantum state lift disc, I could then sustain a magic riding carpet with voice guidance.

   Omg! I cant stand waiting in lines.... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   That chili I ate last night is causing gas bubble noises to occur in areas of my body that were previously believed to be solid chocolate