Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't call you fat; I said wicker furniture normally doesn't scream like that.

   OMFG!! The Titanic sank!! The Titanic sank!!! - My status from 100 years ago today.

   I've reached the most difficult moment in parenting: explaining to my son why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4.

   How to find out if a girl is a slut in 2 steps. Step 1. Call her a slut. Step 2. Wait for her reply (If she jokes back...not a slut. If she gets pissed... then you found yourself a skeezer.

   This cab driver is THE WORST. I keep telling him "You passed my house, let me out" & he's all like "Sir I'm a cop and your under arrest for public nudity and intoxication."

   M C SQUARE is Einstein's Rap Name.

   On my first day of pre-school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery... There I was...all alone....surrounded by trees and bushes.

   "Why does stuff like this always happen to me?" - gay passenger on Titanic

   "Bros before hoes" sounds like something a bro without a hoe would say.

   Dear Zach, the Facebook app has down syndrome. Use some of your never ending money to fix it you selfish prick.

   "Thank you for calling Dell Customer Support. How may I help you?" "Transfer me to an American or I am switching to Macs."

   I call my lovemaking technique the "Bond Martini" because it leaves women shaken, not stirred.

   Hmmm,, So what you're saying, is that if the parrot is on his right shoulder,,, he's a butt pirate?.. Ummm, I'm only here to get my parking validated.

   The guy behind me has a theory that driving his car up my arse will make the 20 cars in front of me speed up.. Hmmm,, It's just crazy enough to work.

   This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...

   My doctor told me that I'm healthy enough for sex but he thinks it would ruin our relationship,, and since things are already kinda strained ......... No..

   I think as part of the lap band surgery process you should have to fly to Ethiopia,,, and tell 10 people what it is and why you need it.

   Turns out black ice causes 70% of wrecks in the winter. They should rename it asian ice.

   wondering why in the year 2012 , My smoke detector can't decipher the difference between boiling water and and a real fire !

   I wonder if the clothes in China say "made around the corner "