Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm like a magician in bed, I'll make all your hopes and dreams disappear.

   don't ya hate it when it's real quiet in a meeting and your hungry stomach decides to make those "dying whale" sounds...

   Awesome idea... You and 2 of your friends go to 3 separate dealerships and test drive the same make, model, and color car. Then you meet up somewhere, all swap cars, and take them back. Then say you'll keep their card and be in touch.

   wondering why the need to pee intensifies by a million when you're trying to unlock the door?

   I just saw the most adorable Asian baby and I tried to say, "Aww, so cute," but her mom smacked me before I got to "cute."

   I bet people working at the U.S treasury make a lot of money. (I write my own jokes)

   Last night a horse asked me if I was planning on driving home. There might've been a cop on top of it.

   My local Walmart has 28 checkout aisles except for when it's really busy then it only has 2 

   I thought I was gaining weight. Turns out, I'm just really bad at doing my own laundry.

   I wish I was in the X-Men so I could always look at Wolverine before a fight and say, "How are we gonna claw our way outta this one?"

   had to quit his part-time job crushing soft drink cans. It was soda pressing.

   whos your step daddy once removed by your second cousin?!

   If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, YOU'LL FIND SOME WAY TO BLAME ME FOR THAT TOO, WON'T YOU, SUSAN?

   I think I want to start today with a nutritious bowl of oatmeal,,, Cause it'll prepare me for all of the other disappointments the day will provide.

   This just isn't working out.... I think we should start being other people.

   Give a man a fish,, and with MY LUCK,, he'll heat it up in our office microwave.

   Attention, stoners: No, you don't qualify for medical marijuana just because you smoked a blunt and beat your roommates in Operation.

   it's no longer a secret that they are getting serviced.

   I'm still waiting on the movie 'Twilight: Lights Out' starring Blade to come out.

   I want Jimmy Neutron's Brain, Phineas & Ferb's Summer, and Timmy Turner's Goldfish