Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breaking News!! Ted Nugent To Be Interviewed By The Secret Service Secret Service " Hey Ted, Can I have your autograph?"

   Someone just licked their thumb before handing me a paper. I hope my story inspires other victims to come forward.

   Auto correct is my worst enema.

   Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni... That folks, is what drugs do to you.

   The Hamburglar burgled HAM. If he stole burgers, he'd be called the Hamburgerburglar.

   You say "kiss ass," I say "rim job enthusiast."

   I just had to think to remember how to write a capital "P", so if anyone needs a tutor for their kid or anything, hit me up.

   Found an old playboy from the 70's last night, I wonder why they didnt call it hair club for men...

   some guys are such sluts I wouldn't even poke them on Facebook.

   I'm putting a goal line around my house to keep Ryan Leaf from getting in.

   My smart phone has a lot of capabilities, but none as valuable as being able to pretend I'm on it when I run into someone I know in public.

   I'm the first one to admit when I'm I'm wrong. I just never is.

   I've never approached even 10% of Aerosmith's level of excitement that a dude looks like a lady.

   Don't be so sensitive. When I said, "You're lucky, I could never pull off such a ridiculous outfit!" I meant it as a compliment.

   Actions don't speak louder than my grandmother asking me about my hemorrhoids in a crowded elevator.

   Nothing says "I've given up" like a fat person with a stomach tattoo.

   Save water, Shower with a friend.

   when told the reason for daylight saving time, the old indian man said:- only a white man would believe you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom of the blanket and have a longer blanket.

   This just in: The next upcoming New Years Rockin' Eve is to be hosted by a Hologram of Dick Clark.

   My dad thinks LOL stands for "Lots Of Love" and texted me "Dick Clark just passed . LOL"