Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't care if it's 2-1 or 64-31 aslong as it's more than double thums down i'm happy happy joy joy!

   My blended dairy drink attracts young men to my yard & they proclaim its superiority to yours...I can give tutorage,, but require compensation.

   HEY!!,,,,,They're not letting me post during the intervention for my Facebook addiction.

   My 3yo asked where the bathroom was at the park because he had to pee. I said Son,,, you're a boy....The world is your toilet..

   If I could pick one famous person, living or dead, to spend a day with, I'd pick Kim Kardashian,,and choose dead.

   When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.

   When I'm down on a woman I'm never thinking outside of the box.

   It's a sad day when someone dies. Unless you're in the will.

   Coworker just said "I need a thick black one." She was talking about a marker but I'm still reporting her to HR for sexual harassment.

   I don't understand why you can lead a horse to water but you can't make a teenager do the dishes.

   The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate

   I haven't bought an iPhone with Siri yet because I have a fear of talking to women.

   Seriously, get off the computer once in a while… smell the roses… volunteer… show your balls to a turtle…

   Ryan Seacrest has found the final horcrux.

   When comforting someone who is illiterate, I always say softly, "There, their, they're."

   I don't know why I even bother having a iPhone anymore. It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a landline.

   An expert has predicted computers will eventually replace paper altogether. He has obviously never tried to wipe his ass with a laptop!

   31% of women complain about everything while the other 69% complain about everything

   Put your crash helmet on love, because you're going through the headboard.

   It has been proven that girls whose profile pics were taken in a mirror or more likely to send you nudes