Funny Status Messages and Tweets

    I might be  a 3XL at the mall, but I'm only a petite at "The Big and Tall Store"

   Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won't be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that's what's been missing.

   Ever since shows like American Idol and Dancing With The Stars, we have A$$HOLES who think they're judges.

   Hiding in the restroom at work, just to post this (;

   I just bought some wallpaper and I'm making it listen to Justin Bieber. Maybe it will hang itself.

   Got a text from my girlfriend, 'thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative.' I wonder what 'ternative' means?

   The next time a girl complains about you leaving the toilet seat up, leave it down and pi$$ all over it...

   How do you stop a woman giving you head? Marry her.

   The Wife has just just had her teeth whitened, although, to be honest, most of it landed on her chin.

   Hey there "young" ones, before you go "setting the world on fire", how 'bout you just concentrate on NOT fcking up my order at the driv-through...thanks.

   My girlfriend just said, "Your obsession with cats is out of control, so I've packed your bags." I think she's kicking meeeowt.

   Wow... I just met someone that actually IS as stupid as they look.

   Shout out to all the people on my friends list who have hidden me from their wall, and are unable to see this post.

   People love to push the envelope. What they dont' know is that papercuts really hurt when I shove that envelope right back up their ass.

   I picked up a hitchhiker today... Dragged him for 2 miles before the f*cker finally fell off my car.

   I told my ex to make sure she gives 100% today... she's on her way to donate blood.

   Time magazine just released this year 100 most influential people...How can Samuel Adams not make this list?...I'm under his influence everytime I leave a Bar.

   People like you are the reason people like me take pills... and I'm OK with that. ;)

   Even crappy coffee is better than no coffee at all.

   Laxatives scare the Crap out of me !