Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So listen, here's the deal; If I wanna hear about god or religion I'll go to church, otherwise I am only here on Facebook to stalk and flirt.

   With the price of gasoline I am willing to take the risk of no ozone layer for old school "Regular" gasoline.

   Here is a big shout out for slugs, those little guys are out there doing the same stuff as snails but without helmets...

   Oh for the love of Jesus please stop rep0sting this "If you want to remember you borrow money from them" sh!t. We have already seen it here ten times this week alone.

   Toothpase is the smallest section at Wallmart

   Okay all of Facebook, here goes the beginning of two more days about who died in Hollywood. Yes, we all want to know, everyone at once. BEGIN!

   Awww, someone needs a hug! "Touch me and you die."

   The best way to make people remember you?Borrow money from them.

   Dick Clark died?? Man I really dropped the ball on that one!!.....too soon?

   "Jesus loves you." It's so nice to hear that said to oneself in church!! ... "Jesus loves you." A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison!!

   Never plan a future with someone that has no future plans for themselves.

   Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, this is Awesome!"

   I use Google to check if I have internet connection more than I use Google to Google.

   My fondest childhood memories are having to stay at the kennel while my parents went off to all those Amway conventions

   Head banging to rock music doesn't have the same effect when your bald. Ask me how I know this.

   I love watching Justin Bieber; it's like toddlers in tiara's mixed with Vh1's behind the music except live. Can't wait till we get to the drug addiction part.

   ...when the food you like doesn't like you. All these years to acquire a taste for the food I used to hate, now hates me.

   .Bullying Support Group meeting, tonight at 8pm. You'd better f@#king be there.

   I thought that the show title 'World's Dumbest' on TruTV was referring to its featured failing comedians.

   I hate it when I'm trying to kill a spider but then I lose track of it and I become a victim in my own home.......