Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women are as horny as men; they just hide their b0ners better.

   Alcohol is like a push-up bra for your personality.

   You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.

   You don't lose weight; you get rid of it, unless you intend on finding it again.

   Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who knows whats going on?

   Does anyone really "Laugh Out Loud" when they write LOL?

   Girls if you are looking for your superman.. go read a comic

   Pick a number, double it, add 10, divide it by 2, then minus it by the number you started with. LIKE if you got 5.

   The fact that music can induce goosebumps, draw a tear, inspire, and connect is one of my favorite parts of being a human.

   "Who's that?" "What are they doing?" "What's happening?" ; "Shut the hell up and watch the movie ffs".

   Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone's bathroom looks like 1 mirror at a time.

   Oh a spider. You are tiny. I am a great big person. I am a grown up. I can handle this. You are tiny. I am a great big pe- OMG IT MOVED!!

   "If you focus only on yourself and neglect others, you will lose; but you will gain if you value others as much as you cherish yourself." - Dalai Lama

   Don't you hate it when you have an older family member on Facebook and they comment on EVERYTHING you do.

   The good thing about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once.

   It's funny how once they see that you're doing better without them, some people decide that they want you back.

   LIKE if you know someone who needs a smack in the face with a shovel.

   Reading someone's status and thinking 'OH CRY ME A RIVER'

   LIKE If you've ever laughed so hard, no noise comes out, so you sit there clapping like a dumbfounded seal.

   LIKE if you text someone a paragraph and then 30 minutes later you get a lame reply saying "LOL".