Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men know everything - all of them - all the time - no matter how stupid or inexperienced or arrogant or ignorant they are

   The world is divided into two kinds of people: those who have tattoos, and those who are afraid of people with tattoos

   I'll take Same Crap/Different Day Alex for 200

   Getting on your feet requires getting off your butt.

   Why do people say "no offense" when they're about to offend someone?

   Your child may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

   TGIF- Thank God I'm female.

   God must love stupid people- he made so many!

   I don't drink; it dulls the drugs.

   Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Gays are from UrAnus

   hoping that Kevin Love Rudy Gay and Ramon Sessions end up in a picture side by side in full uniform. three words....GAY LOVE SESSIONS

   If someone does not appreciate your presence, give them a taste of your absence and see how they like it.

   Pamela Anderson bankrupt. Owes IRS over $500,000! Says she'll repay once she's back on her feet. IRN doesn't know when she last saw her feet

   Awww.... It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

   hvng n nxpctd vwl mvmnt aiaueeeoeoee...

   I miss 1999. Ya know, when we all used to do it for the Nookie...

   Guy next to me ordered a vodka cranberry "light on the vodka". I had to go to another bar, I cannot be around someone who acts like that.

   Guys, If you suck on a fat girls t!tty for more than 10 seconds, you will get type 2 diabetes. Fact

   If you're going to slow down on the freeway whenever you see a cop, try not having the "I have a heroin condom in my butt" look on your face

   I'm gonna start driving my car on bike paths, it's only fair.