Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you're stressed, You eat Ice cream, Cake, Chocolate & Sweets. Why? Because stressed spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

   Turning off the downstairs lights and running upstairs so no one kills you.

   LIKE IF... You've recorded yourself singing to see if you could actually sing.

   No matter how good or bad you think life is, wake up each day and be thankful for life. Someone somewhere else is fighting to survive.

   an animal rights activist against fur but not leather because it's easier to harass rich old ladies instead of motorcycle gangs

   What starts with P and ends with ORN? Popcorn your pervert!

   Need a friend? Text me. Need a laugh? Call me. Need money? This number is no longer in service.

   | ( • )( • ) | Spongebob / ( • )( • ) \ Patrick ( (•)(•) ) Squidward | (•) | Plankton |•||•| Mr.Krabs

   Have you ever noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

   When discussing geology and erosion, I often get sedimental and break down.

   Like if you remember buying really silly stuff from Ronco ...Mr Microphone .. The pocket fisherman...aand who could forget the "Chop O Matic "

   This sexy bird looked at my beer belly and said "Is that carlsberg or tetleys? " I replied" "theres a tap underneath love if you wanna taste it!"

   The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.

   "Frosted Mini Wheats" are my absolute FAVORITE breakfast cereal made from scrap wicker furniture.

   Here we go... Very good... You're doing a great job of reading this post... Just passed the middle... Nearly there... Wonderful job... All done... And like it!

   Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for v@gin@.

   Be England what she will,with all her faults she's my country still. Remember that you are an Englishman, and have consequently won first prize in the lottery of life. HAPPY ST GEORGE's DAY

   The US is ranked 25th in math scores...this isn't any surprise to me, our elected leaders can't even ballance a budget.

   Dear Catholic Church, the rhythm method is fine,,, but what about something for us white guys?

   Drinking till I'm Someone else's Problem.