Funny Status Messages
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Ben got really upset when I called him a f@g, I've never seen someone run down the road in high heels so fast. 
What if air is just a poisonous gas that takes about 80 years to kill us?
They say everybody has at least one gay thought in their lifetime... I told myself as I slowly backed away from Justin Biebers new album
2 car pile up on the Mexican border, thousands die
There needs to be a class on how to take a mirror photo without looking at your phone, because apparently it's an issue for a lot of you.
Two cars crashed into each other in Mexico. 57 Dead.,
Well that was a bit disappointing. That Insta-gram wasn't what I thought it was going to be!
I tried to stop a jukebox like the Fonz. In a related note I'm the proud owner of 15 new stitches, just in case you were wondering how cool I was.
I don't understand why my friend and his wife won't talk to me anymore... They are vegetarians so I think it's well within my right to call their kids "Children of the Corn."
What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?
I feel like we should wait to hear Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs before we choose sides.
Who do you suppose was the first person to ever kick butt and think, "Hey, I know, I'm gonna start taking down some names too."
*coming soon* "Toy Story 3"....Buzz and Woody meet some of Andy's mom's toys, that incidentally have the same names.
Happy Birthday Willie Nelson! I'll Burn a Fatty for ya Sir!
President Obama's new campaign promise: " In my first term, I sang Al Green. In my second term, I'm going with Young Jeezy."
Do I care if you hate me? Do you wanna know the truth? C'est la vie....adiós....good riddance....fuckyou!
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don't hit me again officer...
When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"
"London Resident will have stationed on their rooftops batteries of surface to air missiles during the Olympics" ...What the hell are the expecting? The London Blitz of 2012?
They say your body is your temple. My body is more like a Popeye's, everything is fried inside & everything is scary outside. 