Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't even know why I look in the back seat of my car when I get in at night.Like the killer is going to scream 'Oh crap! you saw me, retreat!

   ATTENTION !! Today has just been Upgraded to ... FRISKY FRIDAY !!! Thank you...

   I saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it so special is the fact that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on some stripper's ass.

   It's always a shock when one of your best friends turns out to be three small dogs in a man suit.

   I don't see dead people, I just see people that I wish were dead.

   I have paid for this bottle of Vodka, I own that. I still haven't paid my rent for this month, I owe that.

   Going half way across the state this morning, and you know what that means...this truck is now a rolling karaoke machine.

   KEEP CALM. There is enough pu$$y in the world for everyone, even for lesbians too.

   Finally, I'm online! Just want to say to all my facebook friends good night.. out!

   Getting your girlfriend to agree to try an@l is NOT made any easier when you tell her how willing your last girlfriend was.

   i hear liquor stores have started selling hand sanitizer in the cold section with the beer.

   you can pick your nose, you can pick your friends nose, but you can't wipe your friend on the couch..

   Televison is a chewing gum for the eyes ,,!

   Dear new generation, The Lion King will always be ours, SO BACK OFF B!TCHES. Sincerely, 90s kids.

   It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever....

   turns out the March of Dimes people aren't very fond of dimes...

   Love thy neighbor, just dont get caught .....

   You say potato, I say Rocky Dennison.

   Just once I would like to see an ultimate fighting montage set to Olivia Newton John's song Physical.

   20 years later, members of Bell Biv Devoe are still adamant about not trusting a big butt and a smile.