Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend told me I'm awful in bed. I don't know how she can tell in 30 seconds.

   How do you make a woman blind?.... Stick a car windscreen in front of the b!tch.

   Ben got really upset when I called him a f@g, I've never seen someone run down the road in high heels so fast.

   What if air is just a poisonous gas that takes about 80 years to kill us?

   They say everybody has at least one gay thought in their lifetime... I told myself as I slowly backed away from Justin Biebers new album

   2 car pile up on the Mexican border, thousands die

   There needs to be a class on how to take a mirror photo without looking at your phone, because apparently it's an issue for a lot of you.

   Two cars crashed into each other in Mexico. 57 Dead.,

   Well that was a bit disappointing. That Insta-gram wasn't what I thought it was going to be!

   I tried to stop a jukebox like the Fonz. In a related note I'm the proud owner of 15 new stitches, just in case you were wondering how cool I was.

   I don't understand why my friend and his wife won't talk to me anymore... They are vegetarians so I think it's well within my right to call their kids "Children of the Corn."

   What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?

   I feel like we should wait to hear Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs before we choose sides.

   Who do you suppose was the first person to ever kick butt and think, "Hey, I know, I'm gonna start taking down some names too."

   *coming soon* "Toy Story 3"....Buzz and Woody meet some of Andy's mom's toys, that incidentally have the same names.

   Happy Birthday Willie Nelson! I'll Burn a Fatty for ya Sir!

   President Obama's new campaign promise: " In my first term, I sang Al Green. In my second term, I'm going with Young Jeezy."

   Do I care if you hate me? Do you wanna know the truth? C'est la vie....adiós....good riddance....fuckyou!

   If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don't hit me again officer...

   When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?"