Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Process of liking a song: 1 Day: I love this song! 1 Week: Hey that song's good. 1 Month: Turn that s$it off! 1 Year: OMG, I love this song!

   Dear public bathrooms, Toilet paper holders should turn loosely, nobody wants to wipe their a$s with a handful of confetti.

   Text this to someone: I just love making you check your phone for no reason, who's my bi$ch? You are.

   Since I've started laying crack rocks on top of all my junk nothing had been stolen and everything is organized...

   Nothing sums up the proud Mexican spirit on their Independence Day like drunk college girls in sombreros screaming for more Patron!

   Whenever I see someone type "ROFL", I can't help but to think of Scooby Doo trying to say "waffle".

   I'm pretty sure my dying wish would be to stop dying.

   Nothing sums up the proud Mexican spirit like drunk blonde girls, in sombreros, chanting "Patron."

   This guy in line at store had breath so bad his teeth turned sideways just to let it out.

   I watched my first anal porn scene the other day... Wow, I just can't get over how skinny I looked back then !!

   In-laws - Can't stand them, can't kill them, can't get rid of them. . .

   Kentucky knows three things better then anyone else. Horses, Basketball, and Fried Chicken.

   Can't get a job because I don't have experience. I can't get experience because I can't get a job.

   I can't get a job because I don't have experience. I can't get experience because I can't get a job.

   Hey Jack In The Crack...I ordered an Ulitimate Burger not an Ultimate Mustard!

   Fat girls be sounding good on the phone ....

   Had to fix something on my car and asked my mom to bring me the philips. She came back in less that 4 minutes with some Philips Milk of Magnesia. Some serious confusion has set in

   Can't wait for the Super Moon tonight, I wonder what color it's cape is?

   I just bought my daughter an iPad, my son an iPod, myself an iPhone...and the wife an iRon. She wasn't impressed even after I explained it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean network. This sadly triggered the iNag service, which in turn wip

   I forgot what cinco de mayo was about. It was when a ship full of mayonnaise sunk off the mexican coast right?