Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was on the elevator with a maid and I BLASTED a fart. Moments like that make life worth living.

   Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez isn't hot enough to be that much of an imbeciIe.

   Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

   When it comes to getting projects done I'm a real pro..............crastinator

   "I can dish it out, but I can't take it." - Lactose intolerant ice cream man

   I just watched Discovery's "How It's Made" and, honestly, I'm never eating another urinal cake again.

   Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

   I miss the good ol' days, when no one had a clue what 'gluten' was.

   I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

   My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

   ‘We both know you need to pee:’ ~the monster under my bed

   If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

   My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

   I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

   Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

   Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

   Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids. Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

   came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.

   My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

   Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?