Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Don't make me Chris Brown you, b!tch"

   I wished my neighbor hated weeds as much as I do....

   Mayweather is a Legend. Its just a shame he practices on his girlfriend and kids.

   Never treat a slut like a girlfriend, let some other dumb guys do that.

   My girlfriend is like my iPad...........I don't have an iPad.

   Today will forever be known as Cinco de Mayweather!

   I would only go to Heaven to break out a couple of friends.

   Hey pistachio with the shell welded shut.. I know you've been hurt before, but I just want to love you... Let me in, Baby....

   Never get behind a car with a Phish bumper sticker at the bank drive thru.. They don't have an account & they're about to run out of gas.

   Funds are low this year, so the Chex Party Mix I'm bringing to the office Birthday party is just birdseed and expired high blood pressure pills.

   Hmmm,,, Where exactly is this Black Forest,, that's teeming with hams?

   I never said I went to "high school",I said I went to "school high".

   My marriage is very successful because my spouse has not left me yet...

   I was talking to this girl at the bar last night and she said, ''If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and a haircut, you'd look civilized and I would talk to you''. And I said, ''If I did all that then I would be talking to your hotter friend”

   I put the o in illiterate.

   I'm a firm believer in punctuality. So, what's wrong with showing up at the funeral home before my ex is dead?

   My marriage is very successful because my spouse is a figment of my imagination.

   Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I'm scared that it's closed.

   My boss just gave me an award for Most Productive Employee for last month. I think our company is in BIG trouble.

   Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make! Then they call me ugly and poor.