Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going to take my new laptop back to the shop today. I've just noticed that the I, O, X and H keys are upside down.

   For the last time people....... I'm not fat! I am just so full of sexy that it over flows... There is a difference!

   Always have faith and believe in yourself........well... because... the rest of us think you're an idiot!!!

   The only thing worse than reading your status is having to look at your stupid ass profile picture next to it.

   Why is it that on Sunday when I say ”I can't, I have to be good at work tomorrow” I do anyway and I'm never good at work tomorrow?

   "Jacuzzi" - a Swedish word that loosely translates to "sweating underwater".......

   The world would be a much better place if everyone just did what I told them to do and stopped asking so many stupid questions.

   Imagine yourself watching Storage Wars or Auction Hunters on TV thinking to yourself that stuff looks familiar then saying oh wait that's my sh/t !!

   I'm sorry I jumped on you, from a distance you looked like a conclusion.

   Have you ever been really thirsty and really bored at the same time? That's how houseplants feel all the time.

   Use yes and no once. 1) Are you gay?:_____ 2) Are you lying?:_____

   I keep a baseball bat under my bed just incase someone breaks into my house while I'm sleeping and throws a baseball at me

   "Parkinson's" is a way better name than what it was first called in the 70's - "Involuntary Boogie Party".

   Bought my wife bagels this morning so she dont have to cook breakfast...Happy Mother s day:)

   thats weird?! all my mom wanted was cool whip for mothers day.

   mama gettin a lil out of control with this mothers day thing , she want me to rub her feet.

   Happy Mamacita's Day to all the Senoritas who played for keeps

   You were all the elite sperm in an ejaculation. So, please, do not doubt yourselves - you are awesome!

   99% of girls are hot. The other 1% go to my school.

   I hate when cashiers ask "Is that everything?" Uh no B$tch, I'd also like all this invisible sh$t...