Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to my shattered iPhone screen, I had a pretty awesome weekend.

   To the woman with 4 screaming kids at Target : if you're wondering how that box of condoms got into your cart... You're welcome.

   What if... birds aren't singing, they're just screaming because they're scared of heights?

   According to Facebook, everyone did some really fun things with the kids this weekend and has a dog.

   I'm 87% sure "snooze button" time is sped up and "waiting for the microwave" time is slowed down and this is not okay.

   (づ▶__◢)づ︻┳デ═一 say YOLO one more time.

   I know two wrongs don't make a right. My life has been a never ending quest to determine just how many are required.

   I'm pretty sure Adam and Eve loved being the first people,, cuz they didn't have to worry about ghosts

   I begin all my orders at Arby's by saying,,, "Listen, I've got nothing to prove to you."

   If anyone's interested,, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 3 pm on, until I'm removed by security.

   If you own a dog you know... The Look...

   sooo glad tomorrow is Monday!!! (crickets chirping)...what?...

   I could never go to a hip hop concert. I never feel like saying either Hey or Ho when told to.

   My date went pretty well last night. I was really attracted to her and sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex for hours. Kinda makes me wonder why didn't I get a taser sooner.

   Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo. For many people today is Toileto de Puko

   I dropped my M&M's down the loo as I flushed. It was like a mini nascar race.

   I just got my pen!s caught in my zipper,,,,,,,,,,, I knew I shouldn't have bought those zip up shoes.

   One day, I'll start messing with your feelings and you'll get mad because I finally learned how to play your game and beat you at it.

   Not everyone can go down in history, but if you play your cards right...You can go down on me.

   I'm at the doctor's office & they don't know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I'll wait for the Doctor, these other patients are clueless.