Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I find pregnant chicks sexy...I think it's because I know for a fact that they put out

   ‎"Till Death Do Us Part" should just be changed to "Till Sh!t Happens" during the wedding vows, coz people don't wait for “Death” anyways.

   I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue represent freedom until they are flashing behind you.

   Sometimes stapling water to a tree is much easier than convincing an idiot.

   Being broke has shortened my wife expectancy.

   Give me a fish,, & I'll cook you dinner.. Teach me to fish,, & I'll just be sitting there in the boat with you and gettin drunk..

   who do these people at Burger King think they are? Dont they know i'm an Ebay power seller,, and have over 70 friends on Facebook??,,,,FOOLS !!

   If I was to ever own a race horse I would name it "Two Trailer Park Girls" and train it to go 'round the outside just I can hear the caller do an Eminem impression!

   Think...we have imaginary farms, cities and animals. It's OK to poke people and write on walls...Facebook is a mental hospital and we are all patients!!!

   "If at first you don't succeed skydiving definitely isn't for you."

   If I like your status, please know that I'm mumbling "Screw you for being funnier than me" under my breath.

   I believe in life after death, so I'm hoping my ex comes back as me, so I can get my stuff back.

   When your drunk, leftovers aren't so bad....... this may or may not be about food.

   0 mutual friends, you're not even from my country, how the f*ck did you find me!?

   Wow, you look EXACTLY like this girl I finger banged behind a Wendys back in high school. Anyway, I'm Will and I'm here for the job interview.

   Stealing candy from a baby is actually pretty hard....... They always have adult friends nearby....... and they're loud snitches.......

   Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent's last sentence in a whiny voice.

   Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I'm driving.

   GOSH! You try to relax naked in the hot tub with a liquor drink and a cigar and the whole staff at the YMCA goes into an uproar..... Sheesh.

   I have a friend who is a Jehovah's Witness. He tried to tell me a knock knock joke and got all pissed off when I ignored him.